Friday, December 22, 2006

Omaha, Lindsey Lohan, and How I Saved Christmas

First of all, let me just say that I am writing this from my blackberry. Second, I am in a car somewhere near Omaha Nebraska. Because my flight from Denver was cancelled. Impromptu road trip with my pal Kristen. We are on a race to Iowa\a race to save Christmas.

Not to worry though, we are hopped up on energy drinks and wearing night vision Blueblockers. We are going to single handedly save Christmas!

The voiceover for the trailer to the movie about our cross country trip would go something like this...

in a world
Where blizzards close airports
Two girls will travel across america's heartland
To save Christmas...
And learn the true meaning of holiday spirit.

Cue the Christmas music.

Nebraska is in my top five most boring states in the country. Indiana and Oklahoma, I am looking at you two...cause you're pretty damn boring to drive through too.

Very merries everybody.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Should you need a hearty laugh....its Dr. Tran! (and the Skittles Bunny)



Jeffrey, bringing grody back!


And also because this never stop being funny to me:

Singing Skittles bunny! Yoyoyoyoooooyoyoyo!

I had planned a year end retrospective + movie review post, but this is far more entertaining.

Monday, December 18, 2006

cold december.

one of my favorite people, the true blue creative artist that works in my office, said to me, "jen, how did you get so smart? how did you become so responsible by 25? aren't you supposed to be wild and crazy? you know so much about the world."

sure, i've been around- i've explored the universe searching for passion and creativity. i've been broken, shoved, my face knocked in the ground. and whether discovering a new country where i don't speak the language or simply trying to understand my world, i've always found the inspiration to write. the words to express the feelings that my body often could not contain. it was that very reason that i almost failed out of college my freshmen year.

i've never been complacent with complacency and i've always had creativity streaming from head to hand to paper. but the seesaw is no longer level and the logical, rational person has the creative me hanging in the air begging to come down and balance out.

i'm willing to acknowledge that alogorthmically speaking, i'm at a high point in my ability to be rational and logical and thoughtful. and i'm struggling to grow into this skin. struggling to balance.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

christmas work party cliche.

oh good god, my head hurts. christmas party for work last night.

i dressed up in a party dress and had deja vu of being 14 and going to a school dance and feeling so awkward all dressed up. except this time at least, i wasn't so flat chested. score.

my boss and i shared nostalgia about what teenagers do on golf courses after the sun has gone down.

i didn't become an office party cliche- no hooking up with coworkers, nobody saw my girl bits, and i avoided any activities that could get a person fired.

my head is still throbbing despite lots of advil.

its utterly inconceivable that i have to jump on an airplane on friday. all this traveling has made my life difficult to keep up with. friends, i'm not forgetting you, i'm having trouble remembering which time zone i'm in and i've become an expert at airplane traveling but not being a good friend lately.

here's my good friend/expert traveler advice: always bring your airline's 800 number with you. always, always, always.

i've been eating ramen noodles like a college kid recently.

also, illinois friends. i'll be in roscford friday, saturday, sunday, and monday of next week.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

the fine art of dining alone.

I've written about Christmas shopping in the past. When the story about the plot to blow up the Rockford mall broke last week, part of my heart was sad that someone could feel that harming others and causing damage to a building could prove a point.

And then I attempted Christmas shopping myself.

"A panic attack is a period of intense, often temporarily disabling sense of extreme fear or psychological distress, typically of abrupt onset. Though it is often a purely terrifying feeling to the sufferer, panic attacks are actually an evolutionary body response often known as the fight-or-flight response. Symptoms may include trembling, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, chest pain (or chest tightness), sweating, nausea, dizziness (or slight vertigo), hyperventilation, paresthesias (tingling sensations), vomiting, and sensations of choking or smothering. During a panic attack, the body typically releases large amounts of adrenaline into the bloodstream. Many first time sufferers of a panic attack believe they are dying or going insane. It is a feeling that cannot be described until one has had an attack. Many often say panic attacks are one of the most frightening experiences in their lives. People who suffer from phobias may experience panic attacks upon exposure to certain triggers."

This is what I experience at the mall at Christmas time. All my shopping has been done online this year for this very reason.

In what could be the worst non-sequiter ever....

I'm in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Everyone here is very, extremely nice. Even the homeless man asked me how I was doing (good) and if I was from around here (no). I would drown in a sea of niceness here. A stranger invited me into his company's Christmas party that was happening in one of the conference rooms of my hotel. Tonight, I was invited to a hockey game. The hockey's mascot gave me a high five. Everyone in Oklahoma is nice!

There are TWO western wear stores outside my hotel window. TWO. You're all getting belt buckles, money clips, cowboy boots, hats, and assless chaps for Christmas.

I've drank Shinerbock and eaten at the Whattaburger across the way from my hotel. A little boy asked me if I was drinking Dr. Pepper. No! But Shinerbock tastes just as good, little boy!

Jen's Guide to Eating Alone:
+Bring a book or a newspaper to read, or a journal to write in.
+Avoid places like Chuck E. Cheese and Cracker Barrel (well, avoid Cracker Barrel regardless).
+Try to get a good vantage point for people watching.
+Be aware of your location. Are you in the middle of the country? Ask yourself where that fish came from to get to your plate.

In conclusion, Oklahoma is okay!

-------------------------------------

As a kid, I remember reading a book in the waiting room of the dentist's office about this little boy, Thomas. It was about how when he was little, everyone called him Tommy. Then he grew up a little and everybody called him Tom. Then he was an adult and everyone called him Thomas. Should I let people start calling me Jennifer?

Ha. Right. Like that would ever happen.

--------------------------------------

I feel uninspired and lacking in creativity lately. (Too busy.) What inspires you? What websites or blogs do you visit that fuel your creativity, that make you feel inspired?

Saturday, December 09, 2006

At some point, you forget just how tired you really are.

I have been giving and listening and high-fiving and sending my positive energy out into the world in massive amounts this week. For reasons unimportant in this forum, I have several friends who could really use the listening ear, the jumping high-five, the silly faces, the heartfelt emails right now/this week. But after all of the outgoing positive energy and the large quantities of energy drinks I've consumed (the Jen taste test: Monster: okay; Rockstar: slightly less than okay; Full Throttle: pretty tasty; Tab: pink!), I am looking forward to sleeping in this weekend. I am also looking forward to: Degrassi: The Next Generation, Season 2 and making the thrift store rounds to get my (tacky) holiday party ensemble + tacky white elephant gift together for the work party next week.

Also, buy or stream the Sufjan Stevens 5 disc set, "Songs for Christmas". You'll be glad you did. It is way better than all the lame plots to blow up and set the Rockford mall on fire. If the Christmas terroristas really wanted to hit Rockford where it hurts, they'd go after the good stuff:

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Oooooooooooooklahoma, where the queers come sweepin down the plain!

Hey my babies, I'm going to be in Tulsa, Oklahoma next week. Do you live there? Do you know someone nice who lives there? Have you been there and know fun places to go at night time or yummy places for the girl least likely to be on a business trip to go?

I'll be there Monday through Wednesday.

Also, here is a picture of me and my dad on Thanksgiving:

Monday, December 04, 2006

For business and pleasure.

Two weeks later, I'm back in Colorado. Two mini-vacations and one business trip with more fun than actual business mixed in...and well, I spent a lot of my time with family, old and awesome friends, and New York pals (in that order). Somewhere in all of it, I was caught in that snowstorm. At O'Hare Airport.

So I'm still catching up on returning to regular life in Colorado. Apparently, it snowed a week before it snowed in the midwest, but its wicked cold here.

I will try to catch up on your blogs and your busy lives, watching my Netflix, paying bills, and Christmas shopping. Oh dreaded Christmas shopping. Have I ever told you how much I hate the mall at Christmas time? Another day, another blog...

For now, let me regale you with this list of People/Places/Things that I am all about right now:

+Natasha Wescoat, artist
+Lester Bangs, author
+NPR (++All Things Considered and This American Life)
+Making new beepy-boopy ringtones for my Crackberry
+Finally finding some new pants that fit my short legs!
+New haircuts

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Yummy-yum-yum

For my friendlies who like to drink up on those holidays, I give you:
A recipe for disaster....wait, wrong holiday....

A Recipe for Happy Holidays


What you'll need:
sugar
water
lemons or limes (big ones)
oranges
cloves
nutmeg (optional)
cinnamon sticks
red or white wine of your choice (I recommend pinot noir)

To make:
Add 1 cup water and 1 cup sugar to pot.
Cut up 2-3 unpeeled oranges into large sections and throw into sugarwater. For extra fun, peel the oranges and put the rinds in the sugar water.
Add 1/2 cup lemon or lime juice to sugarwater.
Add cloves, nutmeg, and cinnamon sticks to sugar water.
Bring to a boil.
Let boil for 5 minutes. (liquid will reduce slightly)

In another pot:
Put 1-2 bottles of wine into pot. Keep heat on very low.
Strain the sugar-water fruit spice mixture into the wine.
Add 2-4 cinnamon sticks into the wine.

Drink up.

Note: If you make more than one batch, you can reuse the fruit and spices from the sugar water a few times, although you made want to add a little more fresh ingredients.

Oh! Bonus. After you strain the sugar-water mixture into the wine, you can eat the chunks of the orange peel. They taste like candy after boiling in that sugar water. So delicious.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Sick Day.

I woke up feeling not horrible, but not awesome this morning. I went about my morning as usual, breakfast, energy drink, mug of tea...until it all went terribly wrong.

So I vommed at work, which has to be up there on the list of humiliating and humbling experiences one can have at work (see also: singing banana man birthday telegrams). They sent me home by 11am with a bottle of elderberry potion and some other really terrible tasting drops I'm apparently supposed to put forty-five (forty-five!) drops of on my tongue 2-3 times a day. They are all about the voodoo healing around here. But I've been following the instructions...the bitter tasting stuff and then the sweet sweet elderberry potion. (Its really syrup-ish in texture, but potion is so much more Harry Potter like, don't you agree?)

So I'm laying here in my spacerocket jammies watching the epic fifth season of the Simpsons, napping, sweating out this fever I've acquired, and drinking potions. Trying to get better. Because I have to get better before I fly home on Wednesday. If I'm feeling up to it, I may try to hit up a sweaty Bikram yoga class tonight and try to sweat all the toxins out in 90 intense yoga-rific minutes.

How I actually look:


How I actually feel:



What are your remedies when you're getting sick/are sick?

I will probably never say this again.

I'm feeling frustrated with my Mac.

My new Blackberry's syncronizing software only works with Windows. Okay, I get that the majority of users who own Blackberries are very important business minded types who probably love their Dilbert screensaver on their Windows desktop/laptop. But I am not one of those people. So I can't really connect my Blackberry to my laptop- only my desktop at work. How agitating.

And Blackberry, I understand you were developed for the government to keep secrets and thus cannot have Blue Tooth connectivity with laptops, but that just sucks. Seriously, super lame guys. My laptop doesn't have any government secrets on it. But it does have things that are important to me and nobody else.

I've been wanting to dig into using Macromedia's Robohelp since I think it could be incredibly useful to learn with this new project I'm heading up at work. Again, only a version for Windows is currently available.

Technology, you are supposed to help me, love me, caress me, sing to me in my sleep. But this is some serious bullplop. What's with this conspiracy against Mac users? We're nice people who only want to embrace you.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Oh my god. Singing banana man telegram. I don't want a birthday ever again.

Jeffrey: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
all-caps = all-good.
me: did you know about the singing fruit too?
Jeffrey: Adam just told me this morning. How was it???
me: oh my gawd. seriously. threw up in my mouth.
Jeffrey: hehehe
what did the fruit person sing?
me: some sort of banana man birthday song
and lots of cheezy jokes
Jeffrey: i'm throwing up a bit in my mouth.
me: and balloon hats and flowers.
Jeffrey: eek
me: and chorus kick lines. and then people from other offices started coming in to watch...
Jeffrey: hahaha
me: people who didn't know me but sang happy birthday
Jeffrey: what an awesome (read: horrifying) gift.
me: i feel very awkward right now.
Jeffrey: i'm sure!
me: i told everyone, "if any more singing fruit stops by, tell them i'm not here." and i've been hiding in my office ever since.
its a good thing adam's birthday is coming up, cause he's got it coming to him...
Jeffrey: no kidding. let me know if you need my help.
me: at the end of the banana man's song he had someone taking pictures and he said, "look into the camera and tell adam how much you love him"
and i waved my balloon sceptor and said, "i don't love you even a little bit right now"
Jeffrey: HAHA
me: and then i said, "i think i just threw up in my mouth"
All caught on digital camera which i'm hoping the banana man sends to adam.
Jeffrey: I'm glad I'm not you from earlier today. I don't think I would have handled that situation very well.
me: i'm not sure i handled it very well- i started running away
and i didn't participate very well in the kickline. in other news, the office dog gave me a sparkly unicorn figurine. until the banana man incident, i was playing with the unicorn at my desk all morning.
Jeffrey: So at that point, you're like JFK turning left by Dealey Plaza... everything's fine ("What a nice day!" and "Look at all these wonderful people!"), and then.....

tragedy.

me: i never knew what hit me. and the unicorn, like jackie o, was left to pick up the pieces of me off the floor.
Jeffrey: so sad.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

The Upshot.

Last week was nonstop!

Monday and Tuesday, yoga kicked my butt. And it felt so very good.

Wednesday, I went to see the Brazilian Girls at the Fox Theatre in Boulder. The show was so utterly bizarre and amazing. I took a thousand pictures, but I'm feeling particularly lazy. Here, maybe the mental picture is better: The beautiful svelte German lead singer wore a nude body suit with silver sequins all over it and foofy white tulle covered her face and naughty bits. She asked the entire audience to come on stage and dance naked with her. Roughly fifty college kids did so (I did not). Singer lady grabbed their boobs, passed them fatty Js between singing verses and then they played 'Pussy' and my world was completely whole at that moment. See? I told you no pictures could do that justice. Okay, I lied, here they are:

This picture doesn't really do her crazy little ensemble justice. But I wasn't venturing into the naked pit.


Naked party. Briefly, The Brazilian Girls =s great party music and a great party.

Jen's Favorite Small Venues (Less than 1,000 max. capacity):
-The Fireside Bowl, Chicago
-The Century Lounge, Providence
-The Fox Theatre, Boulder
-Creepy Crawl, St. Louis

Okay, and then Thursday night. Randomly, I went to see Bonnie Raitt in concert? I couldn't tell you the name of any of her songs, but a few sounded familiar. I mean, we didn't pay for the tickets and the seats were really great, so I figured why not go check out some bluesy music at the newest venue in town....hello, for free! Pictures were NOT ALLOWED, so...


Then Friday night, we went back for more pain... HOCKEY style. First home game of the season! Apparently, we're the worst team in the league, but hey whatever, expansion team. And we did win in a sudden death shootout.

In honor of hockey, I ask you this question: which game is superior?
Blades of Steel for NES



vs. NHL '92-93 for Sega Genesis?



Personally, I'd say Blades of Steel. But that's only because the last time I tried playing Mortal Kombat 3 on a high definition tv, my head felt like it was about to asplode. No seriously, I love you Sonic the Hedgehog, but don't eff with my mind.


Other news of interest.
I let a man put a hole in my face this weekend. In my left nostril, precisely. The lasting damage:

I can't even lie, IT HURT SO BAD. Worse than my septum. Not worse than my inner conch/industrial. My favorite part was when the nice man said, "Ohhhhhhhh! Your nose just made the loudest cracking noise I've ever heard!" And indeed, it did sound like a baseball bat, friends. My nose bled a lot and tears came down my face, but I was a brave little toaster and kept my cool. My boss remarked this morning, "You have a diamond booger on your nose!" Yes, something like that, a diamond booger. For those of you keeping score at home, that's two extra holes in my nose now. My nose is too metal for my face. Oh, snap!

Hello? Is it me you're looking for? (Lionel Richie, I <3 you.)
I finally bought a new high falootin cell phone. So start calling me. Or I'll have to start sending you obnoxious text messages. And hey, if you need a reason- call me on Thursday, I'm a quarter century old (and sassier).

Jen's Tour de Farce 2006
Because a few people have asked me, here is my travel schedule for the next couple of weeks/months.
November 22 - 27, Rockford, ILL
November 27 - 30, Peoria, ILL
November 30, Rockford, ILL
December 1 - 3, New York (The City!)
December 22 - 26, Rockford, ILL
January 18ish - 23ish, New York (The City!)
January 29ish - February 2ish, Houston, TEJAS

So that's what I know for now. I will keep you posted of any new developments, dearies. If you live near any of those places and I have not yet made tenative plans with you, you jerkface, call me and let's talk about how great beer is and then let's make plans to drink some.

Its my birthday on Thursday, don't ruin our friendship by not writing Happy Birthday across your chest and sending me a picture of it. Thank you, that is all. I promise, I won't post your picture on the Internets.

Monday, November 06, 2006

w-e-e-k-e-n-d

Weekend in New York.

I love how my life comes together when I'm there. Friends from different eras of my life, enjoying each other's companies. How could you not in a place intensely exploding with life?

I took advantage of Tower Records' going out of business super discount on CDs. The newer releases were picked over, so I decided on a few solid CDs that were...not new releases. I bought:

Smoosh - She Like Electric. This album is quite different from the girls' other album, "Free to Stay". They even do a little rapping! But I really like this. Its amazing how much younger they both sound- voices and instrumentation.

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. At some point I owned this CD, I'm not really sure where it disappeared to, but I really really really really love this album and it ellicits memories of years 19 - 20 of my life with stunning clarity.

Camera Obscura - Underachievers Please Try Harder. Camera Obscura reminds me of this girl I used to talk to at my favorite record store in Madrid. She looked like a cuter version of the singer from Camera Obscura. Which is probably why I bought this, but the music is pretty good too.

And here I sit, all scrunched up in some infamous space pyjammies, sans mustache.

Also, my hair is curly today! I usually keep my hair super straight; I guess I forgot how easy it is to let it just be....sassy. But not so much curly as... curly =s spiraly-wavy. Someone told me when my hair is like this, its my "sex hair." "Oh, like its real sexy?" I asked. "No, like you just had sex." Huh.

I promise a better update next time...no, seriously, I mean it this time.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Don't forget to flush.

I didn't realize that cats could go poo in toliets.

What I truly appreciate about this product is that so many cat owners are SO enthusiastic about this cat potty seat, is that they have sent in their own customer images.



Who does that? Who takes a picture of their cat on the crapper? A little privacy please?

And you know what's sick? I want to buy one and train my cat to use it.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Good things are coming...

Today I got a promotion. I knew it was in the works and its not a huge surprise, but seriously you guys! I have my own office now with a view of snow capped mountains and such. One of the first things I saw from my new office view was a man from animal control lugging a dead deer into the back of his truck. I know I'm from the midwest where deer prance about freely, but it was really vomit inducing. My new job involves less talking on the phone and more writing words down and putting them together for a manual- score!

I am going to Japan! My friend, Mark, lives there and I wil be visiting him next June. I can't really even tell you how excited this makes me. Mark and I have been friends since high school and we always have a great time together, no matter where we are, so needless to say, I am super stoked to spend time with him in Japan.

Also: this is a true anti-drug PSA. Click on this sentence to listen. Because smoking weed will make you listen to indie rock music......what?

This weekend I'm flying to New York. Happiness! I can't wait to see my NY friends and lovahs again.

My birthday is in a few weeks. Do you want to give me the greatest birthday present ever? Draw me a picture of an octopus. Or a ukelele or if you're really in a pinch I'll accept your brother's Nintendo DS Lite. I will be a quarter century young, but I'm hoping this marks the end of my quarter-life crises that have defined the past five years of my life.

Last weekend, I dressed up as a candy striper for a costume party. Today, I dressed like a cowgirl for work. Tomorrow, I am going to be the aforementioned Freudian slip at work. Yay, dressing up is fun.

Candy striper.

I've written all the hooray for everything! stuff, so this is where I leave you, my lovelies...

Monday, October 23, 2006

Seven items in random order.

1. I have two free season tickets to the newly formed hockey team, The Rocky Mountain Rage, so if you, you, you, or anyone else who likes hockey, come to Colorado in the next 6 months, not only will I give you a comfy bed to sleep in, we'll also hit up some hockey games. Seriously. There is no better sport than one with blood and violence....I mean, toe pick.


2. I have been attending a dance class where the teacher is all about "free flowing movement" and "move with your spirit" and between you and me Internet, I don't care about that new age feel good mumbo jumbo, I just want to dance and get funky. And its a whole barrel of fun.


3. I saw The Prestige and it ruled. On a scale of WWF wrestlers from the 1980s, I would rate it an Ultimate Warrior. Go see it and decide for yourself. More embarassingly, in junior high, I had the hugest crush on Christian Bale when he played Laurie in Little Women with Wynona Rider and Claire Danes. HUGE CRUSH. I watched that movie...an embarassing number of times (one thousand million hundred, to be exact). And even in all these creepy roles he's played...American Psycho, The Machinist...I still would include him on my Celebrity Exemption List.


4. I went to a costume party last weekend...I made a sign that said MOMMY, smoked a big cigar, and wore a black silk number and I was a FREUDIAN SLIP. One guy was like, "Oh! You're Monica Lewinski!" And I was like, "Uhhh...no. That wouldn't have been funny 8 years ago and its really not funny now." FREUDIAN SLIP. Oh man, so nerdy. Pictures forthcoming.


5. Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I would like to be... Shout out to my pal JayCray for being fearless and rocking his auditions this weekend.


6. My birthday is in less than one month. I will accept all gifts that have octopusses (octopii?), music, or both incorporated into them.


7. Hey, aren't wax museums creepy? Just a little bit?

Monday, October 09, 2006

I'll be the sky, if you'll be the star.

I revel in the the autumn. Adding layers on top of layers and wearing tights under skirts and looking from the tops of hills and seeing an ocean of redorangeyellow world on fire in the leaves.

And so my heart is sore that such seasons do not exist here. Saturday was sunny and a sweaty 80 degrees and today it is 40 and rainy. My coworkers are giddy at the prospect of snow. I find myself baffled by this, where is the autumn?

Then again, I should revel in this lack of autumnal loneliness, which seems to be a seasonal effect on me. I always find solace and solitude in the fall. A somber tone with a soundtrack on my iPod to match.

And the melancholy is still there, but it doesn't have a home in the autumn this year. Just misplaced quietness searching for a place to be, to exist.

There are days I feel so incredibly lucky and there are those days when I wish that I had stayed the course and moved to New York.

I can't wait to begin traveling; the world flies by when you're experiencing every little bit.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

I'm always in the wrong time zone.

Monday, October 02, 2006

The one where Jen makes fun of Tom Cruise and Scientology (again).

Last week has finally caught up with me. Guidelines for future social outings: Living in a college town does not mean you should drink like you're 19 again. To sum up a majority of the past week: Put down the drink, Jen. On the plus side, I did find a bar with a giant rhino head hanging on the wall, which is important to one's....uhhhh...drinking environment?

Most importantly of all: I spent the weekend in New York having a perfect time. Exhibit A:

The subway, it smells like pee.

So amongst all of the subway riding and other New Yorkiness that occurred, Adam and I had to endure the most taxing experience New York has to offer: transferring trains at the Times Square station. If you know me, you know that I will do anything to avoid Times Square. If you don't know me, now you know that about me. Good.

As we were passing through the station we saw folks holding signs advertising Free Stress Tests! Behind them sat a table. Do you see the irony? Times Square is the most stressful place on the entire planet (not hyperbole). For me, hell is similar to being forced to live out every day in Times Square. I digress...the irony is that they are holding signs for Free Stress Tests in the Most Stressful Place Of All Time.
The lady behind Adam is holding a Free Stress Test sign.

Oh right! The point of all of this besides the biting irony is that these people are Scientologists! This is how they lure you into their cult! Free stress tests and "oh we're here to help, have this Dianetics book..." A former roommate's mum was recruited to be a Scientologist and she said it was the most bizarre experience. They want your money and your soul to take on the spaceship...What the what?

*Public Service Announcement*
I'd like to take this moment to tell you all how fabulous it is to fly on JetBlue airlines. Wicked cheap! The tastiest snacks. Dunkin Donuts coffee. ANDandand! Your own personal tv where you can watch all the marathon of Project Runway on Bravo incluing all the past three episodes you've missed because you don't have cable.

*End PSA*

And now its Monday night and I've been awake for a gajillion hours now and I'm scrunched up with little Napkin lulupants and we're spooning and enjoying our night in after our week of binge drinking.

I really had so much more to talk about...the Statue of Liberty, why I am fascinated by the New York subway system, decorating tips, a short explanation of why Park Slope really is the fillet of the town, all the music that I can't stop listening to, and bars that play only Tom Waits and Nina Simone. For now, you will simply have to imagine what I might say about those subjects, but basically the general theme underlying it all: I <3 NY.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Obsession is such a trainwreck.

So my babies. There's snow in the mountains here, which I have yet to truly comprehend; everyone here seems so very excited about the whole thing. I've been a busy little bee lately- last weekend I headed to Fort Collins (aka Fort Fun!) to see the Ditty Bops play a free! afternoon show. Little did I realize...

I was headed straight into a brewery bicycle beer freak festival! Everyone was dressed up all crazy with wigs and leotards and masks and everything else.

The Ditty Bops played and it was so much fun. Nothing better than a beer in hand, the sun shining, and some good music.

After they played the Yard Dogs Road Show performed- one part gypsy punk band, one part circus side show, one part burlesque. It was wicked. I did find it odd that a group could be so raunchy in mid-day with children present. Then again, this was definitely no ordinary beer festival- besides, who brings their kids to a beer festival? Shame on you parents!

I'm headed to New York this weekend and I'm very much looking forward to it. I know a guy there...

November, December, and January are looking to be busy months for our traveling heroine. I will be in both Rockford and Peoria, Illinois for one week each in November (I haven't been to Rockford since last Christmas! Ugh!) and again for Christmas. Tenatively, I'll be in New York in mid-November, then early December again. I'm 75% certain I'll be back in New York for a week in January for a conference. And then I'll be in Houston at the end of January. If you live in or near these places, let me know because if you're reading this, I probably want to see you.

I'm hoping with all of this going on, including the Architecture in Helsinki/Clap Your Hands Say Yeah show, my parents visit, and other assorted adventures, that the next 5-6 months will fly by. I'm ready to live in New York and be on track with my life. Colorado is nice, but this college town state of mind makes me feel....old.

I'll probably have to bring my little kitty, Napkin, back to New York in the next month or so. My cousin's spastic dog is just much too much. I have a theory that the dog may be alcoholic- or a pirate. I suspect that most pirates are actually alcoholics. That's another post entirely though. Either way, the dog is a spazz and I hate you William Wegman and your stupid non-art for making people like these dogs. As a side note, if you have a dog, don't encourage it to bark by giving it a treat when it aggressively barks at people.

That's it for me mostly, my hair is getting long again and I get a little older every day.

Coming soon: Why I think my bedroom is haunted by my great aunt, tattoos, and much, much more!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

"I'm not a one trick liberal arts pony!"

I haven't been spending much time on the internet since I arrived in Colorado. My reasons being: 1. I haven't figured out the wireless internet at home and 2. I've made a concerted effort to enjoy the EFF out of this state despite that I am not a snowboarding, patchouli wearing, college student.

I always end up in places I never plan to be. Not much about my life in the last five years has been planned very well. Like the time I was supposed to be in Carbondale, but ended up in Rockford. Or Chicago, but landed in Massachusetts. Or New York, and here I am in Colorado.

Every morning, when I drive to work, my view on the horizon is sun shining on the Flatiron Mountains. Purple mountains majesty, y'all. Seriously. So that helps- I will miss my New England fall though, but the lack of trees =s the lack of pollen =s the lack of my allergies. Give and take.

The apartment complex near my work (which houses students as my office building is situated across the street from the college campus) is frequently throwing parties with some crazy live band playing covers of The Who and Smoke on the Water and one of these days I'll work up the courage to march over there and ask them where the bong is.

Its odd to be living and working in a college town- in Massachusetts I lived in and around college campuses, but they were uppity, lesbian bearing, liberal arts universities. CU is a state college full of crazy, drunk students on bicycles. Seriously, there are more bikes than people here. So going out to bars has been a funny experience- I didn't really go to "college" bars in college, I hung out at the only gay bar in town and the biker bar. So I am negotiating a new way of interacting with people. And I'm enjoying it- I can already tell which places I'll hang out at and which ones I"ll be avoiding.

Last Wednesday, feeling good from the mojitos, I walked down Pearl Street and took my shoes off and enjoyed how randomly I could have arrived at this place, this moment.

QUESTION OF THE DAY:
Recommend your favorite magazines, please. I need a few new subscriptions.

Monday, September 11, 2006

hi friends!

Good things about Colorado:
1. Lots of food. I'm shocked that people here aren't giant blimps. There is every kind of food imagineable, including my favorite franchised standbys, Noodles & Co, Fazolis, Taco Johns, and Quiznos.
2. I know which direction I'm facing. The mountains are west. This still doesn't help me navigate the roads, but I know which direction I'm headed at least.
3. The mall is called TWIN PEAKS. Sadly, I did not find Laura Palmer's killer or that funny backwards talking midget at the mall. I did find an indoor RAVE style miniputt at the mall though, which makes up for the lack of the backwards talking midget.
4. Its sunshiney. Except right now, its lightning outside.
5. I can wear whatever I want to work. Like right now, I'm wearing a coconut bra, a ballon animal hat, and a baby blue polyester skirt I picked up at the thrift store. Okay, not really. That's a lie. But I could if I felt the need to.
6. There is a skateboard park that I pass to and from work. I'm always disappointed when I see real people skateboarding because they never can do those crazy jumps and tricks like in the video game, but uhhhhhhhhhhhh...skateboard park.
7. There is a bingo and bowling two-fer here. B-I-N-G-O and bowling. Together at last. Now all they need is karaoke.
8. So much tasty local beer. Its redonkulous. No seriously, the beer here is delicious.
9. As Mark so kindly pointed out, I'm further away from the terrorists. But I thought terrorism knows no boundaries?

Monday, September 04, 2006

So then there's that.

Its been a really tiring few days. Last Tuesday was my last day at the theater, Wednesday/Thursday/Friday were spent packing and cleaning, Saturday was the 20 hour move to NYC, Sunday was the nerve inducing flight to Colorado.

So, my stuff is in New York and I'm in Boulder now. Tomorrow is the first day of my new job.

Mostly, I'm putting on a brave face hoping that this feeling of general discomfort- the one that rises when you take yourself out of your comfort zone- will subside eventually and that my nightly dreams of New York won't have me waking up in the middle of the night clawing at my heart.

I know this feeling too well. I wonder why I put myself in these situations over and over. These are dangerous thoughts- regret and wishful thinking. Thoughts lead to creation. Dangerous creations brooding about.

Right now, my goal is just to feel like myself. My poor little kitty hasn't eaten in days and hardly comes out from under the bed, so I hope that she is not depressed. Depressed Napkin.

Tomorrow night I am going to see The New Amsterdams and Mae play. It has been since before the summer came and went that I have been to see any bands play.

(PAUSE)
In all of Brad Pitt's earlier work, he speaks in the same calm, monotonous whisper-talk, an acting technique perfected earlier by one of Mr. Pitt's contemporaries and current resident lunatic in Hollywood, Tom Cruise. What the hell Brad Pitt- you are speaking in the same quiet non-tonal voice in Meet Joe Black AND Interview with the Vampire. And I do not find it soothing. Not at all.
(WE NOW RESUME OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING)

So I am living with my cousin for the next few months. She has a BIG dog named Schmoo or Shmoo or Big Dog Don't Eat My Food, You Jerk, as I have taken to calling him. This dog has some seriously stinky farts of the "silent, but deadly" variety. My cousin is very nice- I haven't seen her since I was 8 or 9 I think.

And now I am just rambling.

I did get to see the Mork from Ork house today. Apparently its here in Boulder.

And now its 9.30pm in Colorado time and so I am tired because my body says, "Jen! It is 11.30 inside your body! Go to sleep, jerk!" So to sleep I go.

How was everyone's Labor Day?

Friday, September 01, 2006

Freecycle.

I briefly mentioned Freecycle yesterday, but I wanted speak a little more on the idea. We are a culture that throws things away now. While standing in line at the pharmacy, a man in line began telling me how he had lost his job as a repairman because the equipment his company used "wasn't worth fixing" so new replacement equipment was brought, and suddenly he was out of a job. Its the nature of our society- funny how technology is so expensive, but we have no problems throwing it out when its broken or a new model goes on sale.

Enter Freecylce. Most communities have a Yahoo Group. The idea is that you can post messages with items you are offering or items you are looking for. Realistically, you're not going to find a new iPod on Freecycle. That's not how it works. But if you don't mind fixing up a used bike, finding a nice cover for the sofa, and such you can find some really excellent stuff on Freecycle- for free!

I've received over 150 emails about the items I was giving away in the last day. I'm glad that Julia's son's class will have a microwave at lunchtime. I'm happy that Rita will be able to use that paraffin thingy I've used twice to help with her arthritis. At the end the day, a woman who works for a battered women's shelter is going to come pick up all of my old clothes.

Not everyone has a valiant cause, but I can appreciate that people have created a community of sharing, of not wasting items that are really useful. By giving my stuff away, I'm eliminating waste.

I hope you'll check out the Freecycle in your community (or surrounding areas- sometimes you can find larger groups in neighboring towns).

Oh! I totally forgot! My kitty, Napkin, was a Freecycled girl. See? You can seriously find anything on Freecycle. Including adorable cats.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

When you're living in America at the end of the milennium...

I have spent the better part of today sorting through boxes and inevitably, getting rid of and giving away a large portion of my posessions. This has always been a particularly difficult task for me. I might need those weird reminders of inside jokes I don't remember anymore. I look through these boxes and so much is the remnants of college and I don't recognize myself in these things anymore. As I sat sifting through boxes in my basement this afternoon, I felt none of that. I had three piles: PACK, THROW OUT, GIVE AWAY. The Give Away pile is by far the largest, but as I went through most of these boxes I didn't miss a beat. Throw it away, Jen, just throw.it.away.

So that's what I did. I saved a few marketing research reports and studies I headed up from university, but the rest of it went straight to the dumpster. College was great, but I don't need to relive it.

And it feels so great, I have to admit. I've had that shit in my basement or someone else's basement (namely, my granny's basement), for nearly three years now.

I feel happy giving my stuff away to Freecyclers. By the by, have you heard of Freecycle? They have them for most communities. Its a great way to find weird/nice/used things you're in search of or an even better way to get rid of your stuff! For free!

So far today, I have given away: a filing cabinet, a set of golf clubs, a food dehydrator, a fake Christmas tree and ornaments, plastic chairs, my kitchen table and matching chairs, my old CD stereo system, a microwave, a box of stuffed animals....

It feels really good to have less "stuff" in my life. An independent woman needs not useless shit in her life.

STILL UP FOR GRABS:
a paraffin wax dip for your hands or feet....oooh!
a candle water bubbley fountain thing.
a bunch of posters in Russian.
20 strings of white, pink, blue, and gold holiday lights


So much more stuff too...do you live near me? Do you want any of these things? C'mon, you know you want those Russian posters. I mean, let's face it: I am a person with cool, albeit, slightly kitschy things in her life. And now I am giving you the opportunity to live the good life, just like me! Do it.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Smiling is the new practiced indifference.

Yesterday was my last day of work...sort of. I'll be back in 3 weeks to assist with the black tie fundraising event. That's not official just yet, but it feels better to say "See you later" than to have dramatic hugs and tearful goodbyes. I'm really bad with the goodbyes.

So, I'm unemployed for the next 6 days! Sweet! I'm gonna smoke doobies and watch the Real World all day!

The last job I left was the spring of 2005, a job that I worked at for a few months, then left to move to Massachusetts. When I left that job, they gave me a gift card to Target, a going away party at the local watering hole, and lots of debaucherous memories. You know what my most recent job gave me? A card that most of the staff couldn't be bothered to sign. You can't even sign the freaking card? No cake. No hugs. No "We'll miss you"s. And definitely no Target gift cards. Now I'm not saying a person should get a gift basket full of fabulous prizes when they leave their job, but could you at least sign the damn card?

NON-SEQUITER

Hey, do you guys remember that Chipmunks movie where they have a balloon race around the world and its boys vs. girls and they have to get the diamond dolls? Yeah, I just remembered how much more I like that movie than Return to Oz, the creepiest creep fest of movie ever.





NON-SEQUITER

Walking through Brooklyn on Monday, kids that look like this:


Kept looking deeply into my eyes and smiling. First of all, I thought all these 2 cool 4 school jerks were genetic mutants who were not capable of smiling. Smiling is the new practiced indifference, everybody. You heard it here first.

BRING IT BACK
If I had to hang out with those hipster jerks or the weirdos from Return to Oz, I would choose Return to Oz. What about you: Return to Oz creeps or hipster a-holes?



WHO WANTS TO HELP ME PACK? C'mon, I know you do.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Sprouting from your fists and tongue.

Wrapped in an itchy wool blanket and a scarf wound around my neck, beneath a canopy out of reach of the cold rain, the end of summer is everywhere. For me, this is the last day of summer. A strange summer, but a really spectacular summer. On the other side of the wall, I hear mvs playing the mix cd I made for him earlier this summer- undoubtedly locked himself in the darkroom today to finish the last of his photos for the season. How fitting that JA and AB are here this weekend- they are why summers here are so debaucherous and fun. This weekend has been quite a send off for the summer and in many ways, this tiny chunk of my life. I finally found my dancing feet this weekend and danced on Friday night for the first time all summer.

"Please keep here very clean." Sigh.

So its raining and chilly and another summer is disppearing into the mist. Its hard to imagine that I won't be here for another summer. What will I do with an actual summer where I can take vacations or go to concerts? That's something I haven't had to think about in 3 years. I wonder what it will be like to work a Monday Friday nine to five job. To never have to work nights or weekends. It almost seems foreign- what do people do with entire Saturdays AND Sundays off? I guess I'm about to find out.

And so I have a big week ahead of me: Apartment searching in NY tomorrow. I need to sort through my mountains of boxes. Pack. MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

I feel good that this weekend was the last of the summer- I couldn't have asked for a better end to it all. Even the rain. My world feels very whole at this moment.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Do not forsake me.

ATTN: Everyone. I am NOT ashamed to admit that through no illegal means of my own, I received a copy of Mr. Justin Timberlake's new album FutureSex/LoveSounds, which will be released next month. And I am kind of giggly and excited about it. Shut up. Just be quiet.


Bringing sexy back, indeed Mr. Timberlake.

I know, its Justin effing Timberlake. The same guy from that one boy band who dated Britney. Yeah, I know I know. You can take away my membership card for the Music Snob Club.



Okay, so I don't hear Mr. Timberlake channeling David Bowie or Prince as he has claimed in interviews lately. But....I sorta like it. In the "I could have a dance party to this in my undies" way.

Also, please no lectures about illegal downloading because
1. I didn't download this and
2. Justin Timberlake is a gajillionaire and gets to have sex with Cameron Diaz.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Drumroll please...

Hello friends, family, and other miscellaneous cherised people!

After much careful thought and deliberation, I will be moving to Boulder, Colorado (BOCO if you know...you don't have time to utter entire words) over Labor Day weekend. I am starting a new high-falootin' job. Its a sweet gig where I get to ride my bike to work, travel all over the country, and six months down the road, I'll be moving to New York: The City and working from there.

So! This means:
a) I have a bunch of cool stuff I need to get rid of (sweet things like: that Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince cardboard standup thing, a bunch of posters, a microwave, a stereo, craft supplies, my collection of troll dolls from 4th grade, a Hootie and the Blowfish CD...)

and b) if you want any of this sweet stuff you should contact me...Like Crazy Eddy says, "Everything must go!"

and c) I have an address in BOCO. Let me know if you would like it.

and d) My cell phone will be the same as always.

and e) If I haven't talked to you in awhile, I am sorry. This has been one redonkulous summer, give me a shout if you wish to hear the sordid details or if you just want to jam about why Cool Ranch Doritos are superior to Nacho Cheese Doritos.

and f) For my Massachusetts friendlies, I will be having a going away party...stay tuned for the details.

xoxo!
-jen

p.s. Jen C, please don't be mad at me that you probably read about this on the internets.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Its like, you know...

I haven't watched the Real World in years...but tonight I find myself watching a reunion special for the most current season and thse kids like, can't like, get through like an entire sentence without like, saying like five thousand times.

its like the most irritating thing i've like ever heard.

also: today a man accused me of breaking the internet. THE ENTIRE INTERNET. i really wish i had that kind of power.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Learned my lesson twice.

Music I am rocking to lately:
Gogol Bordello
Dirty Pretty Things (Thanks Jen C.! This is sexcellente!)
The Raconteurs
Nicola Conte
The Ditty Bops

Activities that have consumed my time lately:
Making bizarre mix CDs for people
Operation: Not Homeless '06
Project Runway (Join us every Wednesday for live commentary.)
New effin York City (Or is it New York effin City?)

Questions to Ponder:
What don't you understand about the term 'General Admission'? That means there are no reserved seats.
Why is that nutjob Vincent still on Project Runway while that darling little Alison got the boot? Stoopid.
Why will Stuffonmycat.com always be funny?

Sigh, sigh, sigh.
Today was my interns' last day here and I am bummed. They were little shitheads, but they were my little shitheads this summer and I miss them already. Chris and Ashley will probably be taking over the non-profit universe soon.

New word:
Boutard. As in, "Man that guy is boutarded," or "I am so tired I'm boutarded." Because I am so tired, I am slightly slow on the uptake these days. Not even coffee can save me from my yawns.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Warning: Lots of existential vomit ahead.

Dear Internet,

About a month ago, I was seriously pursued by a company to come and work for them. It would be a huge increase in my quality of life and it sure has been excellent in the confidence boosting department that a company, who makes real for-profit money, wanted _me_ to work for them. I would be a jet-set traveler with a company card working with people who do what I do currently. And when I'm not on the road living a rockstar lifestyle, I work from home. It all sounds so good, right? Right.

Until I find out I have to move to Boulder, CO for 6-12 months first. Everyone thinks this is something I should suck up and just do. My problem is that I had planned to move to New York. Boulder, CO and New York are about as different as two places could be. Non-judgementally, Boulder has mountains and a very laid back attitude. PETA voted it the #1 city for vegetarians in the US. Everyone rides their bikes. New York is well, New York. Subways and angry people and nightlife (except Sundays, of course).

I had three job interviews on Monday in NYC. One job I have taken myself out of the running for, one job wants to check my references (surely a good sign), and the third I have a second interview for on Monday. It feels good to be so hirable. Seriously, such a boost for my professional confidence and official status as a "grown up".

The thing is, if I could get the folks in Boulder to just commit to me being their for 6 months, I would do it, I would do it, I would do it. But they seem very wary of such things.

So as of right now, I am living a double- nay- triple life, wherein I am simultaneously living my life in Massachusetts and planning one in Boulder, CO and New York. And its exhausting. Regardless, I am purging most of my posessions, so if anyone in the area wants a microwave, a stereo system, a 4 drawer filing cabinet, or my cat: all are up for grabs. (Okay, not my cat. She is what the therapist calls, "a transitional object" to which I think Napkin would take certain objections to being referred to as an 'object'. Not to be all Holly Golightly and that "my cat doesn't belong to me we belong to each other" attitude, but we do.)

I am torn. Jobwise, I am leaning towards Boulder, CO (provided we can come to an agreement). I'd much prefer NYC over the rest of the whole world right now. And everyone who has been to or lived in Boulder keeps telling me, "You'll love it there!" which is not the point. Because I visited Boulder and it is nice, but I had already made this choice that I wanted to be in NYC. Boulder is a nice place and that's not what I'm disputing, but if anyone else tells me that "You'll just love Boulder!" I might scream. I might drop to the ground and just sob.

I have a boyfriend and friends soon to be in NYC. To this, most people say, "You'll make new friends in Boulder!" Which I am not doubting because who wouldn't want to hang out with my pretty little face. That is not the point though. The point is that I made this active decision to live in NY and I am now trying to evaluate if this job is valuable enough to me to put off NY for a few more months. Cost-benefit analysis, my friends. I don't have an answer.

The point in all of this is not to ask for advice or opinions. I just need you to know, Internet, about these important and potentially life altering decisions I face in the coming weeks. I felt like I was keeping dirty little secrets from you and we all know that secrets cause cancer. Maybe a year from now I'll look back on all of this and wonder what I was so stressed about. Probably not.

These last three years of my life have been so random and wanderlustful. My dad wishes for the year when he won't have to complete my state taxes for 2 - 3 states each year. Well, it won't be this year.

Please don't think I'm complaining, Internet. I'm just really really confused right now. And I feel lucky to be in such a position. Lucky and stressed out.

I need some fine wine and Project Runway.

Seemingly lost amid the chaos I've created in my life,
Jen

P.S. Is this what a quarter-life crisis is like? If so, I think I'm on my third or fourth quarter-life crisis.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

A message for the masses:

Thanks in part to the National Enquirer or Star Magazine, 75% of all new visitors to my blog arrived here by searching for "Tom Cruise baby deformed" or some variation thereof. And really, I'm sorry to disappoint. All I have to offer is that so bad it goes back to good Photoshop of Tom Cruise, Nicolas Cage (whom I loathe, seriously- especially with that mustache he's sporting in that movie I refuse to acknowledge by name) dressed as Superman, and that Britney Spears statue. You guys. I don't know if Suri Holmes Cruise is deformed or not.


What I do know is that Scientology won't save her if she has hair all over her face, like Teen Wolf.


You know, not that there's anything wrong with being a teenage...wolf.

Friday, August 11, 2006

My life is glamourous, dahling.

Dear Internet,

Today I met this man:

That is Ted Kennedy! He is a senator in my state! He sounds like Mayor Quimby when he talks!

In honor of the Senator's visit, I did some research on him and his family. This is what I learned:
Eunice Kennedy founded the Special Olympics because her sister, Rosemary, was never the same after that lobotomy!
"Bouvier" means herdsman in French. Jackie Kennedy's maiden name was Bouvier or "herdsman"!
Caroline Kennedy is the chairwoman of the American Ballet Theatre!
Presidents, former presidents, presidents' wives and widows can mail letters for free. This becomes null and void if you marry a Greek dude. Also, if you marry a Greek dude you don't get Secret Service protection anymore. Just sayin.

Well, that's all for now internet. Maybe I'll meet more politicos and athletes and glamourous people soon- I'll keep you updated.

Ciao bella.
xoxo
Jen

Thursday, August 10, 2006

My cat, Napkin, and I are badasses, no?

We're starting a gang, wanna join?


I suck at writing words these days. Ever forward...

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

"They should call it the 'City That Never Sleeps' except on Sundays..."

I went on a quick trip to New York Sunday night/Monday. Didn't really do much, but did manage to get some sweet blisters on the tops of my feet (inexplicably). I did see my friend Will, who is very very smart and goes to NYU. Otherwise, mostly uneventful. Although here are two in the series, "I am so hungry, I could eat my own hand if I hadn't just touched that dirty handrail on the subway":




My world is so awkward lately. I have the grace of an adolescent boy in high heels. I'll figure out how to articulate and get back to you.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Its been a bad day, please don't my picture...

Work has been sucking a big nut the last day or two, so I've been watching these two Ok Go! videos repeatedly to cheer myself up. Enjoy...

A Million Ways video.

Here It Goes Again video. (Ok Go, on Treadmills).


Dear Coworker,

If you so much as look at me, I will make the eye daggers coming out of my eyes morph into plastic sporks and poke you in your eyeballs. If you yell at me, if you show me any disrespect ever again, I will do more than say, "Do not speak to me that way." Plastic sporks, pal, plastic sporks.

Love,

Jen

Thursday, August 03, 2006

The female of the species is more deadly than the man.

Its so oppresively hot in my office, I'm finding it difficult to work. I must be sweating off all my body fat though because I AM SO SWEATY. Rather than working, I keep making MixTapes with Hot!Hot!Hot! themes like: Hawaiian Songs, Calypso/Zydeco Music, LATIN!, and 50s-60s surf music. And for fun, I just mix them all up together. So no matter the music, it always fits my sweaty self here in my office.

I'm sorry to keep complaining about this sweaty office deal, but its really quite unbearable. Its hotter in my office than it is outdoors. Its just not right, I tell you.

So, there are many big and special changes happening in my life right. Mostly that my mom took me to Target last weekend and bought my first training bra. Now I won't be embarassed in the locker room at gym class.

Okay, but seriously for a second. In 8th grade, I was absolutely mortified by having to change in the locker room and so every single day, I would change in and out of my gym clothes in the itty bitty bathroom stall. This is particularly funny to think about now since most of my friends are terrified of my NBS (Naked Baby Syndrome, wherein I am just...naked...all the time at home regardless of company).

Jen's Cooking Tip of the Day
Use Toasted Sesame Oil sparingly. A few drops is all you'll need for that added kick in your salad or stir fry. Using too much can produce an overpowering bitter taste.

And in honor of Snakes on A Plane coming out this month...
How to Escape from a Python
1. Remain still. This will minimize constriction strength, but a python usually continues constricting well after the prey is dead and not moving.

2. Try to control the python's head to unwrap the coils, starting from whichever end is available.

Can someone explain this to me:
I just bought a new spindle of blank CDs and they have the most noxious smell ever. Its overpowering my office, that's how pungent this funky odor is. What's up with stinky CDs?

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Good Christian men, Rejoice!

This man:

Is a Good and Honest Christian. For those of you asking yourselves, "Who is that hippy?" That is Roger McGuinn, of The Byrds. You know, To every season Turn! Turn! Turn!

"To everything (turn, turn, turn)/There is a season (turn, turn, turn)/And a time for every purpose, under heaven/A time to be born, a time to die/A time to plant, a time to reap/A time to kill, a time to heal/A time to laugh, a time to weep"

Yeah, that guy. Well. Apparently, I am not a good Christian, according to a man who purchased tickets to see Mr. McGuinn at my work. "Roger McGuinn is a Good and Honest Christian who does not support corporations and their high ticket prices. You, Heathen, must have made these ticket prices very high and you are going to hell for it."

Look, pal. I didn't make the ticket prices, I just sell the tickets. Furthermore, I work for a non-profit organization, not Ticketmaster. I may be a heathen, but not for the reasons you're thinking...

That's right everybody. I'm ...a gay... now.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

The fairest of the seasons.

Hi all. Your Gal Friday here, sitting in her oppresively hot office. I just stood up to walk over to the fax machine and sat down again to find my chair was wet. "Gross! Someone peed in my chair...wait, no. That's my sweaty assy swass. Sick."


This is my sweaty disatisfaction:



And more sweatiness:




WHY IS MY WORK SO SWEATY? Is this the wrath of Tom Cruise and his Scientologists sending me misery and sweatiness? Do notice my shiny new red office though, which is very purdy.

And hey, look! Can you find me in this picture? (Clue: I'm the one with the Beatles haircut.)





BRAINTEASER CONTEST
This weekend, I am going to a state that I have never been to before. Can you guess which one? The person who answers correctly gets a copy of the latest mix cd I made. Oh hell, I'll give you a copy of the mix cd I made anyways. Also, can I propose that we continue to call them Mixtapes even though they're on CDs now because really MIXTAPE flows from the tongue nicely whereas MIX CD just sounds like my tongue tripped over a banana peel.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Old timey, mari-timey.

I'm sitting here at work, revising the weirdest mix I could make right now. While making a mix CD for my Finnish girlfriend, Nina, a few months ago, Adam told me that I make really weird mixes. Its probably true, I have trouble sticking with one genre or the other, so often times my mixes sound quite disjointed. It also takes me for-ev-er to be really happy with mixes I make for other people, and often they are never finished. Since April, I have made no less than four separate mixes for Adam that remain unfinished. I know, I suck.

So, I was thinking the other day, about this project my psychology teacher made us do for class where we made a mix tape that described who we were as a person. I still have my mix tape somewhere. I think it included the Monkees and probably some God's Reflex, if memory serves. Maybe I'll try that project again soon. And then when I meet people I can say, "Hi, I am Jen and this is a musical version of me." Problem is, I'm not sure I would even know where to start with something like that.

The mix I finished today is so bizarre and skewed that I can't wait to find someone who can appreciate a mix with Annette Funicello's Pineapple Princess, John Lee Hooker, and some Bollywood something or other thrown in for extra dance fun.

Wow, I am in a strange place indeed.

My life is very odd right now.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Summer Jams.

Jen's Summer Jams (Summer Aught-Six)

1. Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere
2. Smoosh - Find a Way
3. Stereolab - Fab Four Suture
4. John Lennon - Legend
5. The Shins - Chutes to Narrow
6. Robbie Williams!
7. The Raconteurs
8. Simon & Garfunkel
9. All Time Quaterback/B.Gibbard mix
10. Regina Spektor - Begin to Hope

Things I Did Not Appreciate About the New Pirate Movie:
Why was the bad guy an octopus face? I do not appreciate pirates giving octopii a bad name.
Why was RattyRatface Orlando Bloom in constant rotation from start to finish?
Johnny Depp did not try to make out with me during the movie.


Photo Series: Best of the Monday Fun Adventure Club, Pt. 1

Sea anus!

I am thinking of having a yard sale soon, but I need to borrow someone's yard? Anyone up for a yard sale? Yaaaaaaaard saaaaaaaale.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Scientology can't save your deformed baby, Tom Cruise. (For DuJane.)













Hi, did you get here hoping you'd find the answers to your soul searching questions, such as: IS TOM CRUISE'S BABY DEFORMED? If so, I encourage you to visit here, where you can find the true answer to this question.

A question of ethics, in the technology era.

I'm wandering around MySpace and trying to make sure that you can't find me by my name (for professional reasons right now) and I find that this girl has my name. Whatever, people have the same name every day. I click on her MySpace page, and she's using the background I created for my old Livejournal account. She most definitely did not ask permission, but I have the log of the date and time she visited this blog and my Livejournal. So, you guys, I'm stumped. I've never had this happen to me before. Its a bit flattering that I am so awesome that someone wants to steal my things, but, it makes me angry that it was stolen without asking permission first.

What does one do in this situation? It is the internet, after all, but seriously, stealing is so lame. Do I send her a message and ask her to remove it? Do I confront her at all and just let it be? She's not giving credit, where it is due.

I have talked about this before, but I never thought I would have to ever deal with something like this first-hand. Has this happened to you before? What would you do in this situation?

Edit: This is the message I sent to her MySpace account:
Hi Jenny,

Hi, so wow. We have the same name. That is pretty awesome, huh? I checked out your MySpace page and it looks strikingly similar to one of my internet journals.

I have not visited your MySpace page prior to today, however, considering that I created my journal's layout over a year ago, I find it odd that our pages should look so similar. I see that you visited my Livejournal back in late June, according to my StatCounter.

While I am glad you did not directly hotlink from my Livejournal page, I did find it a bit alarming (slightly flattering, but alarming nonetheless), I just wanted you to know that I know.

I also noticed on your MySpace page that you studied elementary education in college. I hope that if you are a teacher now, you are teaching your students to be more creative than to steal other people's ideas, slightly alter them, and take credit as their own work.

Well, have a nice day.

Sincerely,
Jen

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Happy 230th Birthday, Ohmurca!

Last night, I was driving to JP to help put together the float for the Golf Cart parade, and the drive is really backroads. Winding hills and pretty trees, all that nature junk. So, I'm driving on one of these small backroads when I see a little boy dressed in like George Washington. With his black robe and funny white wig. And then I see a bunch of little kids all dressed up like old timey Ohmurca guys. Sweet! Then suddenly I realize, that on these backroads of Massachusetts, this un-town is having a parade. With firetrucks and old ladies sitting on lawn chairs at the end of the drive. And I am in the middle of it in my dirty Corolla covered in spitballs (that's another story, I suppose). I have a firetruck behind me and the little kids dressed old timey in front of me. So what's a girl to do?

Roll the windows down, turn the Johnny Cash up. Smile and wave like a beauty pageant queen. Throw that handful of mints you stole from the restaurant the other night at the little old ladies.

That's what you do. Then you go make a golf cart look like a dinosaur and do it all over again.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Classic blog #47: Cooking with Jen

Today, I'm sharing a recipe with you that is perfect for birthdays, your snack day at the office, potlucks, Breakfast/Brunch and other exciting times in your life: Bacon Snack Bars, courtesy of Kraft Foods & my pal, Jeffrey.

You will need:
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup light corn syrup
1/2 cup peanut butter
1 pkg. (2.8 oz.) OSCAR MAYER Real Bacon Recipe Pieces (Bacon Bits will work as a meatless substitute here)
4 tsp. TANG Orange Flavor Drink Mix
3 cups POST HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS Cereal, any variety


Directions:

1. MIX sugar and syrup in large saucepan. Bring just to boil on medium heat, stirring frequently. Remove from heat.

Please, learn from Adam's mistake and do not stick your finger in the sugar and corn syrup boiling mixture. It burns and will hurt you. Also, I don't recommend that you talk on the phone while cooking. Not even to say to your brother, "Hey dood! I'm making these sweet bacon tang bars!" Look at the excruciating pain Adam is suffering. Learn from him. Let him be your martyr, or something.

2. ADD peanut butter; stir until well blended. Stir in bacon pieces and drink mix. Add cereal; mix well.

Don't trust any brand called, "Nature's Promise" because nature won't promise you anything except poison ivy and peanut butter that is drippy and looks a bit like the runs. Is that what you want your food to look like?

It helps to be really excited about the food you're cooking. If you are excited your friends will be excited to eat your snack bars too.

3. PRESS evenly into greased 8-inch square pan. Cool completely before cutting into 12 bars to serve.

In this case, we arranged the Honey Bunches of Oats into a J for our friend Jeffrey because they were his birthday surprise last year. Great surprise! Are Adam and I not the most stellar friends to have this side of Texas? "Indeed, Adam and Jen are the most stellar friends to have!" the masses have declared.




But, don't take my word for it. Look how much Jeffrey loves his Bacon Tang Snack Bars, Birthday Edition:
And check out these rave reviews from the users at Kraftfoods.com:
"Eeee bacon and syrup?!? I would...want to try making this."

"A co-worker appealed to my bacon fixation by making two batches of these bars and bringing them into the office. THEY ARE PHENOMENAL It's only 9:30 and people are fighting for the last crumbs and threatening to lick the tin-foil serving trays !!! The BSBs start off very sweet, take a subtle salty twist as the PB and Bacon take over and then charge your senses with a wicked-awesome hit of tang to finish. MMMMMM - just can't get enough"

"OMG, these are so good, with bacon being like my favorite food, I can't think of anything better than these bacon bars. I highly suggest dipping them in gravy."

"Went together easy, but I did...like the taste of the bacon and orange tang together."

"At first, the mouth is entertained with a mellow, peanut butter flavor which is ever so slightly 'complimented' by the TANG. And just as the TANG begins to completely take over your senses, the bacon makes its debut."



So in conclusion, drink beer while you cook and try not make this face: