When you're living in America at the end of the milennium...

I have spent the better part of today sorting through boxes and inevitably, getting rid of and giving away a large portion of my posessions. This has always been a particularly difficult task for me. I might need those weird reminders of inside jokes I don't remember anymore. I look through these boxes and so much is the remnants of college and I don't recognize myself in these things anymore. As I sat sifting through boxes in my basement this afternoon, I felt none of that. I had three piles: PACK, THROW OUT, GIVE AWAY. The Give Away pile is by far the largest, but as I went through most of these boxes I didn't miss a beat. Throw it away, Jen, just throw.it.away.

So that's what I did. I saved a few marketing research reports and studies I headed up from university, but the rest of it went straight to the dumpster. College was great, but I don't need to relive it.

And it feels so great, I have to admit. I've had that shit in my basement or someone else's basement (namely, my granny's basement), for nearly three years now.

I feel happy giving my stuff away to Freecyclers. By the by, have you heard of Freecycle? They have them for most communities. Its a great way to find weird/nice/used things you're in search of or an even better way to get rid of your stuff! For free!

So far today, I have given away: a filing cabinet, a set of golf clubs, a food dehydrator, a fake Christmas tree and ornaments, plastic chairs, my kitchen table and matching chairs, my old CD stereo system, a microwave, a box of stuffed animals....

It feels really good to have less "stuff" in my life. An independent woman needs not useless shit in her life.

STILL UP FOR GRABS:
a paraffin wax dip for your hands or feet....oooh!
a candle water bubbley fountain thing.
a bunch of posters in Russian.
20 strings of white, pink, blue, and gold holiday lights


So much more stuff too...do you live near me? Do you want any of these things? C'mon, you know you want those Russian posters. I mean, let's face it: I am a person with cool, albeit, slightly kitschy things in her life. And now I am giving you the opportunity to live the good life, just like me! Do it.

Smiling is the new practiced indifference.

Yesterday was my last day of work...sort of. I'll be back in 3 weeks to assist with the black tie fundraising event. That's not official just yet, but it feels better to say "See you later" than to have dramatic hugs and tearful goodbyes. I'm really bad with the goodbyes.

So, I'm unemployed for the next 6 days! Sweet! I'm gonna smoke doobies and watch the Real World all day!

The last job I left was the spring of 2005, a job that I worked at for a few months, then left to move to Massachusetts. When I left that job, they gave me a gift card to Target, a going away party at the local watering hole, and lots of debaucherous memories. You know what my most recent job gave me? A card that most of the staff couldn't be bothered to sign. You can't even sign the freaking card? No cake. No hugs. No "We'll miss you"s. And definitely no Target gift cards. Now I'm not saying a person should get a gift basket full of fabulous prizes when they leave their job, but could you at least sign the damn card?

NON-SEQUITER

Hey, do you guys remember that Chipmunks movie where they have a balloon race around the world and its boys vs. girls and they have to get the diamond dolls? Yeah, I just remembered how much more I like that movie than Return to Oz, the creepiest creep fest of movie ever.





NON-SEQUITER

Walking through Brooklyn on Monday, kids that look like this:


Kept looking deeply into my eyes and smiling. First of all, I thought all these 2 cool 4 school jerks were genetic mutants who were not capable of smiling. Smiling is the new practiced indifference, everybody. You heard it here first.

BRING IT BACK
If I had to hang out with those hipster jerks or the weirdos from Return to Oz, I would choose Return to Oz. What about you: Return to Oz creeps or hipster a-holes?



WHO WANTS TO HELP ME PACK? C'mon, I know you do.

Sprouting from your fists and tongue.

Wrapped in an itchy wool blanket and a scarf wound around my neck, beneath a canopy out of reach of the cold rain, the end of summer is everywhere. For me, this is the last day of summer. A strange summer, but a really spectacular summer. On the other side of the wall, I hear mvs playing the mix cd I made for him earlier this summer- undoubtedly locked himself in the darkroom today to finish the last of his photos for the season. How fitting that JA and AB are here this weekend- they are why summers here are so debaucherous and fun. This weekend has been quite a send off for the summer and in many ways, this tiny chunk of my life. I finally found my dancing feet this weekend and danced on Friday night for the first time all summer.

"Please keep here very clean." Sigh.

So its raining and chilly and another summer is disppearing into the mist. Its hard to imagine that I won't be here for another summer. What will I do with an actual summer where I can take vacations or go to concerts? That's something I haven't had to think about in 3 years. I wonder what it will be like to work a Monday Friday nine to five job. To never have to work nights or weekends. It almost seems foreign- what do people do with entire Saturdays AND Sundays off? I guess I'm about to find out.

And so I have a big week ahead of me: Apartment searching in NY tomorrow. I need to sort through my mountains of boxes. Pack. MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

I feel good that this weekend was the last of the summer- I couldn't have asked for a better end to it all. Even the rain. My world feels very whole at this moment.

Do not forsake me.

ATTN: Everyone. I am NOT ashamed to admit that through no illegal means of my own, I received a copy of Mr. Justin Timberlake's new album FutureSex/LoveSounds, which will be released next month. And I am kind of giggly and excited about it. Shut up. Just be quiet.


Bringing sexy back, indeed Mr. Timberlake.

I know, its Justin effing Timberlake. The same guy from that one boy band who dated Britney. Yeah, I know I know. You can take away my membership card for the Music Snob Club.



Okay, so I don't hear Mr. Timberlake channeling David Bowie or Prince as he has claimed in interviews lately. But....I sorta like it. In the "I could have a dance party to this in my undies" way.

Also, please no lectures about illegal downloading because
1. I didn't download this and
2. Justin Timberlake is a gajillionaire and gets to have sex with Cameron Diaz.

Drumroll please...

Hello friends, family, and other miscellaneous cherised people!

After much careful thought and deliberation, I will be moving to Boulder, Colorado (BOCO if you know...you don't have time to utter entire words) over Labor Day weekend. I am starting a new high-falootin' job. Its a sweet gig where I get to ride my bike to work, travel all over the country, and six months down the road, I'll be moving to New York: The City and working from there.

So! This means:
a) I have a bunch of cool stuff I need to get rid of (sweet things like: that Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince cardboard standup thing, a bunch of posters, a microwave, a stereo, craft supplies, my collection of troll dolls from 4th grade, a Hootie and the Blowfish CD...)

and b) if you want any of this sweet stuff you should contact me...Like Crazy Eddy says, "Everything must go!"

and c) I have an address in BOCO. Let me know if you would like it.

and d) My cell phone will be the same as always.

and e) If I haven't talked to you in awhile, I am sorry. This has been one redonkulous summer, give me a shout if you wish to hear the sordid details or if you just want to jam about why Cool Ranch Doritos are superior to Nacho Cheese Doritos.

and f) For my Massachusetts friendlies, I will be having a going away party...stay tuned for the details.

xoxo!
-jen

p.s. Jen C, please don't be mad at me that you probably read about this on the internets.

Its like, you know...

I haven't watched the Real World in years...but tonight I find myself watching a reunion special for the most current season and thse kids like, can't like, get through like an entire sentence without like, saying like five thousand times.

its like the most irritating thing i've like ever heard.

also: today a man accused me of breaking the internet. THE ENTIRE INTERNET. i really wish i had that kind of power.

Learned my lesson twice.

Music I am rocking to lately:
Gogol Bordello
Dirty Pretty Things (Thanks Jen C.! This is sexcellente!)
The Raconteurs
Nicola Conte
The Ditty Bops

Activities that have consumed my time lately:
Making bizarre mix CDs for people
Operation: Not Homeless '06
Project Runway (Join us every Wednesday for live commentary.)
New effin York City (Or is it New York effin City?)

Questions to Ponder:
What don't you understand about the term 'General Admission'? That means there are no reserved seats.
Why is that nutjob Vincent still on Project Runway while that darling little Alison got the boot? Stoopid.
Why will Stuffonmycat.com always be funny?

Sigh, sigh, sigh.
Today was my interns' last day here and I am bummed. They were little shitheads, but they were my little shitheads this summer and I miss them already. Chris and Ashley will probably be taking over the non-profit universe soon.

New word:
Boutard. As in, "Man that guy is boutarded," or "I am so tired I'm boutarded." Because I am so tired, I am slightly slow on the uptake these days. Not even coffee can save me from my yawns.

Warning: Lots of existential vomit ahead.

Dear Internet,

About a month ago, I was seriously pursued by a company to come and work for them. It would be a huge increase in my quality of life and it sure has been excellent in the confidence boosting department that a company, who makes real for-profit money, wanted _me_ to work for them. I would be a jet-set traveler with a company card working with people who do what I do currently. And when I'm not on the road living a rockstar lifestyle, I work from home. It all sounds so good, right? Right.

Until I find out I have to move to Boulder, CO for 6-12 months first. Everyone thinks this is something I should suck up and just do. My problem is that I had planned to move to New York. Boulder, CO and New York are about as different as two places could be. Non-judgementally, Boulder has mountains and a very laid back attitude. PETA voted it the #1 city for vegetarians in the US. Everyone rides their bikes. New York is well, New York. Subways and angry people and nightlife (except Sundays, of course).

I had three job interviews on Monday in NYC. One job I have taken myself out of the running for, one job wants to check my references (surely a good sign), and the third I have a second interview for on Monday. It feels good to be so hirable. Seriously, such a boost for my professional confidence and official status as a "grown up".

The thing is, if I could get the folks in Boulder to just commit to me being their for 6 months, I would do it, I would do it, I would do it. But they seem very wary of such things.

So as of right now, I am living a double- nay- triple life, wherein I am simultaneously living my life in Massachusetts and planning one in Boulder, CO and New York. And its exhausting. Regardless, I am purging most of my posessions, so if anyone in the area wants a microwave, a stereo system, a 4 drawer filing cabinet, or my cat: all are up for grabs. (Okay, not my cat. She is what the therapist calls, "a transitional object" to which I think Napkin would take certain objections to being referred to as an 'object'. Not to be all Holly Golightly and that "my cat doesn't belong to me we belong to each other" attitude, but we do.)

I am torn. Jobwise, I am leaning towards Boulder, CO (provided we can come to an agreement). I'd much prefer NYC over the rest of the whole world right now. And everyone who has been to or lived in Boulder keeps telling me, "You'll love it there!" which is not the point. Because I visited Boulder and it is nice, but I had already made this choice that I wanted to be in NYC. Boulder is a nice place and that's not what I'm disputing, but if anyone else tells me that "You'll just love Boulder!" I might scream. I might drop to the ground and just sob.

I have a boyfriend and friends soon to be in NYC. To this, most people say, "You'll make new friends in Boulder!" Which I am not doubting because who wouldn't want to hang out with my pretty little face. That is not the point though. The point is that I made this active decision to live in NY and I am now trying to evaluate if this job is valuable enough to me to put off NY for a few more months. Cost-benefit analysis, my friends. I don't have an answer.

The point in all of this is not to ask for advice or opinions. I just need you to know, Internet, about these important and potentially life altering decisions I face in the coming weeks. I felt like I was keeping dirty little secrets from you and we all know that secrets cause cancer. Maybe a year from now I'll look back on all of this and wonder what I was so stressed about. Probably not.

These last three years of my life have been so random and wanderlustful. My dad wishes for the year when he won't have to complete my state taxes for 2 - 3 states each year. Well, it won't be this year.

Please don't think I'm complaining, Internet. I'm just really really confused right now. And I feel lucky to be in such a position. Lucky and stressed out.

I need some fine wine and Project Runway.

Seemingly lost amid the chaos I've created in my life,
Jen

P.S. Is this what a quarter-life crisis is like? If so, I think I'm on my third or fourth quarter-life crisis.

A message for the masses:

Thanks in part to the National Enquirer or Star Magazine, 75% of all new visitors to my blog arrived here by searching for "Tom Cruise baby deformed" or some variation thereof. And really, I'm sorry to disappoint. All I have to offer is that so bad it goes back to good Photoshop of Tom Cruise, Nicolas Cage (whom I loathe, seriously- especially with that mustache he's sporting in that movie I refuse to acknowledge by name) dressed as Superman, and that Britney Spears statue. You guys. I don't know if Suri Holmes Cruise is deformed or not.


What I do know is that Scientology won't save her if she has hair all over her face, like Teen Wolf.


You know, not that there's anything wrong with being a teenage...wolf.

My life is glamourous, dahling.

Dear Internet,

Today I met this man:

That is Ted Kennedy! He is a senator in my state! He sounds like Mayor Quimby when he talks!

In honor of the Senator's visit, I did some research on him and his family. This is what I learned:
Eunice Kennedy founded the Special Olympics because her sister, Rosemary, was never the same after that lobotomy!
"Bouvier" means herdsman in French. Jackie Kennedy's maiden name was Bouvier or "herdsman"!
Caroline Kennedy is the chairwoman of the American Ballet Theatre!
Presidents, former presidents, presidents' wives and widows can mail letters for free. This becomes null and void if you marry a Greek dude. Also, if you marry a Greek dude you don't get Secret Service protection anymore. Just sayin.

Well, that's all for now internet. Maybe I'll meet more politicos and athletes and glamourous people soon- I'll keep you updated.

Ciao bella.
xoxo
Jen

My cat, Napkin, and I are badasses, no?

We're starting a gang, wanna join?


I suck at writing words these days. Ever forward...

"They should call it the 'City That Never Sleeps' except on Sundays..."

I went on a quick trip to New York Sunday night/Monday. Didn't really do much, but did manage to get some sweet blisters on the tops of my feet (inexplicably). I did see my friend Will, who is very very smart and goes to NYU. Otherwise, mostly uneventful. Although here are two in the series, "I am so hungry, I could eat my own hand if I hadn't just touched that dirty handrail on the subway":




My world is so awkward lately. I have the grace of an adolescent boy in high heels. I'll figure out how to articulate and get back to you.

Its been a bad day, please don't my picture...

Work has been sucking a big nut the last day or two, so I've been watching these two Ok Go! videos repeatedly to cheer myself up. Enjoy...

A Million Ways video.

Here It Goes Again video. (Ok Go, on Treadmills).


Dear Coworker,

If you so much as look at me, I will make the eye daggers coming out of my eyes morph into plastic sporks and poke you in your eyeballs. If you yell at me, if you show me any disrespect ever again, I will do more than say, "Do not speak to me that way." Plastic sporks, pal, plastic sporks.

Love,

Jen

The female of the species is more deadly than the man.

Its so oppresively hot in my office, I'm finding it difficult to work. I must be sweating off all my body fat though because I AM SO SWEATY. Rather than working, I keep making MixTapes with Hot!Hot!Hot! themes like: Hawaiian Songs, Calypso/Zydeco Music, LATIN!, and 50s-60s surf music. And for fun, I just mix them all up together. So no matter the music, it always fits my sweaty self here in my office.

I'm sorry to keep complaining about this sweaty office deal, but its really quite unbearable. Its hotter in my office than it is outdoors. Its just not right, I tell you.

So, there are many big and special changes happening in my life right. Mostly that my mom took me to Target last weekend and bought my first training bra. Now I won't be embarassed in the locker room at gym class.

Okay, but seriously for a second. In 8th grade, I was absolutely mortified by having to change in the locker room and so every single day, I would change in and out of my gym clothes in the itty bitty bathroom stall. This is particularly funny to think about now since most of my friends are terrified of my NBS (Naked Baby Syndrome, wherein I am just...naked...all the time at home regardless of company).

Jen's Cooking Tip of the Day
Use Toasted Sesame Oil sparingly. A few drops is all you'll need for that added kick in your salad or stir fry. Using too much can produce an overpowering bitter taste.

And in honor of Snakes on A Plane coming out this month...
How to Escape from a Python
1. Remain still. This will minimize constriction strength, but a python usually continues constricting well after the prey is dead and not moving.

2. Try to control the python's head to unwrap the coils, starting from whichever end is available.

Can someone explain this to me:
I just bought a new spindle of blank CDs and they have the most noxious smell ever. Its overpowering my office, that's how pungent this funky odor is. What's up with stinky CDs?

Good Christian men, Rejoice!

This man:

Is a Good and Honest Christian. For those of you asking yourselves, "Who is that hippy?" That is Roger McGuinn, of The Byrds. You know, To every season Turn! Turn! Turn!

"To everything (turn, turn, turn)/There is a season (turn, turn, turn)/And a time for every purpose, under heaven/A time to be born, a time to die/A time to plant, a time to reap/A time to kill, a time to heal/A time to laugh, a time to weep"

Yeah, that guy. Well. Apparently, I am not a good Christian, according to a man who purchased tickets to see Mr. McGuinn at my work. "Roger McGuinn is a Good and Honest Christian who does not support corporations and their high ticket prices. You, Heathen, must have made these ticket prices very high and you are going to hell for it."

Look, pal. I didn't make the ticket prices, I just sell the tickets. Furthermore, I work for a non-profit organization, not Ticketmaster. I may be a heathen, but not for the reasons you're thinking...

That's right everybody. I'm ...a gay... now.