Sunday, February 25, 2007

I am not watching awards shows tonight, and I am okay with that.

Since November, I've been getting paid to travel and write a book. The two aren't really connected, that is to say, I am not writing about traveling. I am writing and I am traveling. Mostly writing. So I sit at my computer and tippity-tap away, music in ears. Since November. That's what (counts on fingers, NovemberDecemberJanuaryFebruary) four months? That's nearly half of a human baby's gestation. And I absolutely cannot wait for the day, the very magical day when this book that I am writing will be complete.

Because as it stands, its depressing the hell out of me. Its sucking out my life force. I come home from work at night and my glazed over eyes don't want to think about anything. I don't want to be creative or produce anything of substance. Watch movie, zone out, fall asleep.

I'm a zombie. Minus the undead issue.

And yet, in two weeks, when I've birthed this book and its done and finished I can't help but think I'll be just a little sad. Spending four months struggling and loving and coddling this book and after the party we're having to celebrate its completion and my transition into foremost authority, I think I'll feel a bit relieved AND melancholy. Its my book, my project, my four and a half months of workingdreamingeatingbreathing about this book.

But those are feelings that are still two weeks away. For now I am feeling excited and tired and nervous and anxious and bewildered- there are some fairly major happenings besides this one project in my life. Big things I am too nervous to talk about right now. Major life transitions that cause me to talk to myself in my car and in the bathroom mirror as I attempt not to smudge the eyeliner under my eyes.

I'm a creature who craves positive reinforcement. So every step of the way lately has been about rewards: yes, you can have a Cadbury egg, yes, you can have a glass of wine, yes, you should wear a super cute outfit today. I'm also making a concious effort to spend less on the unnecessary things in my life so that I can enjoy the fun things- CDs, concerts, summer vacations to far (and near) lands. I look forward to start sewing again soon. I love sewing far more than knitting because I am a creature who relies on instant gratification. I've picked out the patterns (big and small) and the fabrics and I am so so excited. I'll keep you updated on my progress with those things.

My frigid fingers are struggling to keep up with my writing stride this evening. When my head craves writing, I follow because its a crap shoot when it may happen again. Even at 150 wpm, my fingers cannot keep up. My head is full of thoughts, my lungs are short on breath, my ears and my heart are full of beats. I slept with a wide open window last night and it felt refreshing to wake up to sunshine and birds chirping.

My music playlist lately:
The Get Up Kids - Something to Write Home About
The Fratellis - Costello Music
The Teddybears
Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion Soundtrack
R.E.M - Greatest Hits
LILY ALLEN, obvs.
iPod shuffle because it hurts to think.

Things I dig about college towns:
JIMMY JOHN'S.

Sidenote
This is a big week for me and the direction of my life, you guys, and although I can't talk about it right now, will you please think of me? Will you please keep me in your thoughts? Will you just remember that I could use some positive thinking right now? I cannot tell you how much it means to me and how much I am trying to send my positive thoughts to all of you too...

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Britney needs a hug, y'all.

Here's the thing about Britney Spears: so showing your va-jay-jay to the world and partying with Paris Hilton aren't really mommy behavior, but this whole shaving her head business?

Oh yeah, Britney shaved her head, in case you hadn't heard.

I don't know what motivated her actions, but seriously, we've all done crazy things completely sober too.

At the tender age of 20, a boy I thought was THE WORLD not only broke up with me, he cut off all ties one day. DIdn't say why, didn't call back ever again. He cut me out of his life, he cut all his friends out of his life. I was totally devastated by the whole debacle. Looking back now, the whole situation was kind of messed up, but is utterly irrelevant now. In response to this person cutting me out of his life, I didn't shave my head, but I acted out and did things I (or anyone else) wouldn't normally do. One night, I was seeing a few local bands play (a show he and I were planning to attend together) and realized that: A) I don't want to be at this show, B) I need to get out of this town right now, and C) I need to do something unexpected.

Do you know what I did? I hopped in my car alone, drove to Madison, WI and got my septum pierced. You know, like the little bull ring? I put a piece of metal in my face there. That little ring still lives there, but most people I meet these days never have any clue of its presence. Most of the time, I forget its there even. Putting a hole in your nose or shaving your head aren't permanent changes. Holes will close, hair grows back. Obviously, unrelenting people with giant cameras trying to make big money by following my every move aren't a daily occurence in my life either.


So when Ms. Britney Spears decides to shave her head, I'm gonna cut her a little slack because sometimes you need to do something drastic like shave your head. Or do whatever makes sense in that moment. If she's on drugs, I guess that's a whole other ordeal, but I should think shaving one's head is far less destructive than harming yourself or your children.

Honestly, I've had some pretty awful hair days where I've thought, "I would like to shave my head." Or when its so hot that I don't want anything at all touching me ever, I've honestly thought, "I want to shave my head right now." I'm thinking this summer maybe I will.

Cooking with Jen!
Hey did you get me a subscription to Eating Healthy magazine? If you did, thanks! Here's my new favorite
non-salad salad recipe (use your tastebuds to determine how much to add):

brocolli florets
red pepper cut into bite size pieces
yellow pepper cut into bite size pieces
just a little bit of chopped onion
radishes chopped into pieces
mandarin oranges
feta cheese crumbles

Mix everything together. Toss until coated in Orange-Oregano Dressing.

Orange-Oregano Dressing:
1/2 cup orange juice
1 tsp. freshly grated orange zest
3/4 tsp. of dried oregano
1/2 tsp. of dijon mustard
1 tbs. of extra virgin olive oil
(Shake everything together)

Yum!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Destine to die alone in a room heavy with the tang of cat wee.

This year I handed out Hello Kitty! Valentines, but nothing really beats last year...

Its snowing something fierce outside so I'm curled up at home tonight, which is fine by me, even though I had really looked forward to my purple Valentine's martini tonight. Instead I'm sporting the heart PJs my mama sent me, eating the chocolate covered strawberries (bouquet style) she had delivered to my work and I'm watching the least romantic movies I could find: The Departed (gangsters!), Half Nelson (drugs! Canadians!), The US vs. John Lennon (hmmm...), and Running With Scissors (a movie I have attempted to watch three times now and can't really get into).

So when I was a kid, there was an Italian joint in town my family would always eat at on Valentine's Day. We ate there other days of the year, but on Valentine's Day, they made heart shaped pizzas. When I suggested we order pizza shaped like a heart at work today, everyone scoffed at the idea that a place would make heart shaped pizza. Ive been intensely craving heart shaped pizza ALL DAY LONG, people.

East Coast friends, sadly I will not be visiting your region in a few weeks- I am sorry I couldn't keep plans...its a work thing, you understand. But don't worry, I will be back in full effect so very soon.


Dear Lily Allen,

Will you be my Valentine? We dress alike and think we could find a lot of trouble together.

xoxo,
Jen

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

night owl.

i've never been a morning person.

Monday, February 12, 2007

i kept your picture, just behind the eye.

i have started dreaming (have nightmares) of all that lay ahead. working.working.working. its possible i put too much pressure on myself. its possible i'm so tired that my eyeballs squish when i blink and its very very real when i say i am so tired that i have been on the cusp of tears with every turn today. every little thing has the possibility to make me well up into a thousand sobs and fall to the floor. i just flossed my teeth and it too made me want to cry. i need to sleep it off.

sleep it off.

the fifth of march will mark six months in mountain standard time. five and a half months already and so much to say about the progression of my life. five and a half months and i've taken five hundred steps forward after the last few years felt like five hundred steps nowhere (not backwards, just stagnantly still steps.) five and one half months of mountains and waiting.

i'm ready for eastern standard time again. subway train cars. late night performances. friendsfriendsfriends. i'm pretty sure that's where i belong. i never have gotten used to the simpsons coming on at 7pm on sunday nights again.