I am not watching awards shows tonight, and I am okay with that.

Since November, I've been getting paid to travel and write a book. The two aren't really connected, that is to say, I am not writing about traveling. I am writing and I am traveling. Mostly writing. So I sit at my computer and tippity-tap away, music in ears. Since November. That's what (counts on fingers, NovemberDecemberJanuaryFebruary) four months? That's nearly half of a human baby's gestation. And I absolutely cannot wait for the day, the very magical day when this book that I am writing will be complete.

Because as it stands, its depressing the hell out of me. Its sucking out my life force. I come home from work at night and my glazed over eyes don't want to think about anything. I don't want to be creative or produce anything of substance. Watch movie, zone out, fall asleep.

I'm a zombie. Minus the undead issue.

And yet, in two weeks, when I've birthed this book and its done and finished I can't help but think I'll be just a little sad. Spending four months struggling and loving and coddling this book and after the party we're having to celebrate its completion and my transition into foremost authority, I think I'll feel a bit relieved AND melancholy. Its my book, my project, my four and a half months of workingdreamingeatingbreathing about this book.

But those are feelings that are still two weeks away. For now I am feeling excited and tired and nervous and anxious and bewildered- there are some fairly major happenings besides this one project in my life. Big things I am too nervous to talk about right now. Major life transitions that cause me to talk to myself in my car and in the bathroom mirror as I attempt not to smudge the eyeliner under my eyes.

I'm a creature who craves positive reinforcement. So every step of the way lately has been about rewards: yes, you can have a Cadbury egg, yes, you can have a glass of wine, yes, you should wear a super cute outfit today. I'm also making a concious effort to spend less on the unnecessary things in my life so that I can enjoy the fun things- CDs, concerts, summer vacations to far (and near) lands. I look forward to start sewing again soon. I love sewing far more than knitting because I am a creature who relies on instant gratification. I've picked out the patterns (big and small) and the fabrics and I am so so excited. I'll keep you updated on my progress with those things.

My frigid fingers are struggling to keep up with my writing stride this evening. When my head craves writing, I follow because its a crap shoot when it may happen again. Even at 150 wpm, my fingers cannot keep up. My head is full of thoughts, my lungs are short on breath, my ears and my heart are full of beats. I slept with a wide open window last night and it felt refreshing to wake up to sunshine and birds chirping.

My music playlist lately:
The Get Up Kids - Something to Write Home About
The Fratellis - Costello Music
The Teddybears
Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion Soundtrack
R.E.M - Greatest Hits
LILY ALLEN, obvs.
iPod shuffle because it hurts to think.

Things I dig about college towns:
JIMMY JOHN'S.

Sidenote
This is a big week for me and the direction of my life, you guys, and although I can't talk about it right now, will you please think of me? Will you please keep me in your thoughts? Will you just remember that I could use some positive thinking right now? I cannot tell you how much it means to me and how much I am trying to send my positive thoughts to all of you too...