Love Letters/Dear John Letters

Dear Weather,

Please stay warm like this until summer. Or forever. Sixty degrees in February makes me happy.

Warmly,
Jen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Lady Who Is Sitting Outside My Office,

Stop staring at me. You're creeping me out. Read a magazine. You should know you're making yourself fodder for future performance art. Boy, won't that give you reasons to be in therapy!

Paranoid,
Jen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Makeout Couple at the Electric Six Show the Other Night,

You make me uncomfortable. I know it was Valentine's Day, but if you're not there for the rocking and rolling, then go home and listen to a CD and makeout there.

Uncomfortably,
Jen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Electric Six,

You guys rock. I am glad you played my jam, Synthesizer. I wish you could have played it ten times. Your dance moves are the best too! Please consider getting new opening bands.

You can trip on my synthesizer,
Jen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Boy Who Works in the Pharmacy,

You should have asked me out while you were flirting with me last night. Last night I dreamt about us holding hands and frollicking in a field of posies and then spinning in circles and falling down. I've got a fever, and the only prescription is you!

I secretly love you,
Jen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Daniel Vosovic,

I adore you. I hope you win Project Runway. I hate Santino and his ugly dresses too. I don't even care if you have become a bitchy little McBitch and sold Chloe out (she sold herself out really). Let's be friends!

Can't wait to see your final collection!
Jen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Roller Skating Rink + Yucky Octopus,

I cannot wait to skate with you tonight. Thank you for thinking of this genius idea of bring live music and roller skating together. I am overwhelmingly excited to bust out my rollerskates tonight.

Love,
Jen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Coworker,

I disagree with your assesment that I am dressed like a Bay City Bomber roller derby girl today, however I do find that oddly appropriate considering my calendar this evening. Have you been spying on me?

Your Coworker,
Jen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Construction Guys,

Thanks for letting me wearing a green hardhat, not shamelessly flirting with me even though you're old men, and giving me a tour of my significantly larger office while I was at the theater today. It makes me feel like I'm part of the team! Like I'm helping demolish and rebuild this historic theater! Like I took a sledgehammer to the wall! Like I found that dead body in the basement! Please clean up my office when you're done demolishing everything.

High fives to you,
Jen

P.S. I like that your nickname for me is Gracie.
P.S.S. Thanks for getting that pink hardhat for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Napkin & Duck,

Stop scooting your bum in your own poo. I don't want to be obsessed with your bum or your poo. Also, please stop eating so much you puke kitty food on the floor. Bulimia is not the way to make me to love you harder. Helping me recreate the opening scene from the Lion King while I am intoxicated is the way to make me love you harder.

Your roommate,
Jen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dick Cheney,

Stop shooting people in the heart.
A fearful citizen,
Jen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear DeGrassi Junior High,

Thank you for teaching me that I CAN get knocked up the first time I do it. That I should not listen to my friends who say that you can't get a baby inside you the first time.

I would be preggers without you,
Jen

P.S. The Zit Remedy is the best name for a band, don't you think?