If I can make it through today, New York and I will have much to celebrate this weekend.

Check it. I'll be in New York this weekend making the Finnish sex with this girl:

I am 136% certain she's the best export from Finland. And I am 137% certain that I love her more than that weirdo guy staring at her bum in the background.

Also on tap for the weekend: dance, dance, my favorites, and FREESTYLE WALKIN.

S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G

Last night, I went to an Adult Spelling Bee that my friend was running the sound board for. I went cause I wanted to see people like this:

In adult form. Did you see that documentary, Spellbound? This kid was flippin awesome. He couldn't sit still and he loved the spelling. So I was hoping I'd catch some grown ups like him, but alas, it was not at all what I had imagined. I did see a guy in a dress, a lawyer begging like a puppy, and there were some H-A-R-D words spelled, but no neurotic kids who have to be told to spell the word right now or you're O-U-T.

And now: Why haven't I been fired yet?

Random photos I have found saved on my work computer, which I may or may not have put there, which I will now share with all of you!

An octopus wearing a sweater.

An ice cream cone on a building:

And Chuck Norris' head on a turtle body?

I have absolutely no explanation for this photo:
We should all love Ohmerica this hard:

Blurring the lines between irony and serious performance art.

Friends, lovaaaaaaaaahs, ladies, gentlesirs, strangers, readers:
I'm taking new suggestions for The Outré Lounge MixCD Challenge. I'm taking suggestions until ONE WEEK FROM TODAY, Wednesday, April 5th. Same rules as last time: any word, phrase, story, dream about Bono you had last night, or PICTURE that you want. I'll pick one and make a mix- if I pick yours, I make you the mixCD and I send it to you with other goodies included. Everyone else has to download it from my intranets.

Hi, My Name is Panther...
Earlier this week, I was at the Iron Horse, at The Gossip show (as a sidenote, you would be doing yourself an amazing favor by buying their CD/downloading them from your filesharing program of choice- their singer has a set of pipes, I'm telling you. Soulful punk is the best way I can describe them), drinking my diet soda, when like a message from the Pope himself, a voice over the PA system says, "Hi, I'm Panther." Some wacky pre-recorded drummy beats start playing. I look around confused because there's no one on stage, when out of the mist I see a man crazily robot dancing in the middle of the room holding a microphone. To give you an idea:

Sings like Prince

+

Dances like Beck

+

Songs about Princess Di =

Panther!

(Photoshopping courtesy of Panther)

Ultimately, I think its fair to say that Panther is a comedy genius with a mastery of creating performance art of merit. If you disagree, we can have a breakdance fight to see who is correct. And you best watch out cause my breakdance fighting skillz are wicked.

Off like a prom dress takes on new meaning.
Hey, aren't you guys super excited about the Prom this year? I know I am. Here are some new and exciting prom fashions you can try this year:

I'm sorry, is this even a dress? I have bathing suits that cover more than this does. Strippers wear more than this.

This dress is one way of guaranteeing you'll get laid on prom night. Its also one way of cementing your place as "that slutty girl who showed up to prom in that ugly skanky dress".

But hey, if that's what you're going for...

This black dress seems to channel that Paula Abdul video where she's dressed in black mesh and humping all the dudes. Only now its been realized in prom dress form! Aren't we so lucky!

There are so many things wrong about this dress: mesh, the endless ruffly tulle skirt...actually, that's about it, but the amount of ugly those things provide is really enough, don't you think?

This dress is punishment for getting knocked up before the prom.

Its also a nice reminder to the other boys and girls at the prom to use protection, or look what will happen to you!

Also, here's a few helpful etiquette tips circa 1950 to remember on your prom night:

Prom Do wear body glitter so you sparkle during your grand march.

Prom Don't fish for compliments.

My favorite topics of discussion: Survival tips, Devo, and Sports.

How To Cross a Piranha-Infested River:
1. Do not cross if you have an open wound. Duh.
2. Avoid areas with netted fish, docks where fish are cleaned, and areas around bird rookeries.
3. Stay out of the water when piranhas are feeding. Self-explanatory.
4. Cross the river at night. Nearly every species of piranhas rest at night and when awakened, will swim away rather than attack. Piranhas are most active at dawn.
5. Swim or walk across quickly and quietly.
6. Do not try to make out with this fish.

Next.

Devo.
I got nothing to say about them, or their Dev2.0 project, but today we (meaning me and by extension of reading this, you) celebrate Booji Boy, son of General Boy, both portrayed by one Mr. Mark Mothersbaugh in the late 1970s during live Devo performances. Here is a very informative link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Booji_Boy.

Booji Boy (Mark Mothersbaugh in a baby head mask) was meant to represent the regression of society and culture. Cheers to you, Booji Boy.

Next.

Sports (Or: I can't play the game, but I can talk the smack.)

This man scares me a little.
To be fair, I chose a picture of him where he looks equal parts crazy and like he's competing in the Special Olympics (Really, there weren't too many photogenic shots to choose from). Perhaps this guy should compete in the Special Olympics, where everybody is a winner and nobody cries. Mr. Guy from the Gonzos: Dude, your 13 year-old boy mustachio is not attractive. And sure, the NCAA Final Four is not about who looks the prettiest playing basketball, but you've got to think about your image a little. You're a good player, my dad says you'll probably play in the NBA someday. You think NBA players make their money from playing basketball? Dirty lies, little man, dirty lies. Its all about selling shoes, soda, and video games. Nobody is going to buy Diet Cherry Vanilla Chocolate Holiday Spice Tab Cola from you with a mustachio like that. So I'm offering you this advice: shave the stache, guy. I was rooting for your team (mostly cause your name reminds me of Gonzo from the Muppets), but nevertheless, I was rooting for you. So things didn't work out, and that's too bad, but you've got big things ahead. Give me a call if you want a good sports agent, I'm offering my personal services.

Oh, and Tom Hanks says:

Quit crying. There's no crying in basketball. Every time you cry like a baby, your man-tears snap the legs of little puppies.

Today's Celebrity Birthday

Harry Houdini was born today in 1874 in Budapest, Hungary. Houdini died in 1926 after a taking several blows to his abdomen. Houdini claimed that he could sustain punches to his midesection without any injury, but was caught off-guard by several powerful blows and later died from peritonitis, an inflammation (irritation) of the peritoneum, the membrane that lines the wall of the abdomen and covers the abdominal organs..

Sounds like a classic case of hubris to me.

Music heard, music seen, music scene.

As promised, I have chosen a mix suggestion and made a mix for all to hear. And so I present to you:

Pat Sajak's Garage!

Click on the link if you want to download this mix. (It is limited to the first 50 customers and valid for 7 days.) Basically my thought for this was: What would Pat Sajak keep in his garage? Vanna White, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a powder blue tux, and a bunch of unused letters from Wheel of Fortune. That's what. So, this mix is made up entirely of songs that have extra letters hanging out in their names.

The Track List:

1. S.R. - Reel Big Fish

2. Sloop John B - The Beach Boys

3. O Green World - The Gorillaz

4. IOU - Metric

5. F.O.O.D. - Reggie and the Full Effect (featuring Hungry Bear)

6. E-Bow the Letter - R.E.M.

7. You Owe Me an IOU - Hot Hot Heat

8. CMYK - Ladytron

9. Super OK - Zolof the Rock'n'Roll Destroyer

10. Since U Been Gone + Maps - Ted Leo (live)

11. Y Control - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

12. E-Pro - Beck

13. The KKK Took My Baby Away - The Ramones

14. The D in Detroit - The Anniversary

15. Plan B - Badly Drawn Boy

16. Oh! - Sleater-Kinney

17. P.S. You Rock My World - The Eels

18. Friends of P - The Rentals

19. Capital H - Motion City Soundtrack

20. B + A - The Beta Band

21. FTN - Goldfinger

22. The Key of C - Say Hi to Your Mom

Top Five Shows I've Seen on Holidays (since I'm not a Jehovah's Witness, birthdays count too):
1. Minus the Bear, Murder By Death & Braid, Memorial Day, The Metro, Chicago
You know, I don't know if this one really happened on Memorial Day, but I feel like it did because I was home for a long weekend and Frank & Co. and I headed into the city that night to catch some rock and the Neofuturists. Later, I saw this same show in Allston, MA in a non-air conditioned church and the whole scene made me remember what rock shows used to be like. Not fashion/show, but rock show- put on your black t-shirt and go to a show. My love for Bob Nanna never wavers, I've annexed him as my own hometown hero even though he really is from Champ-Urb. Braid was one of Mr. Robert Nanna's best musical endeavors, in this girl's opinion.

2. Ultimate Fakebook & Red Hot Valentines, Valentine's Day, Rhino's, Bloomington IN
This was a surprise from the boy I was dating at the time; a few days prior I had broken out in the worst case of the hives the Student Health Center had ever seen. I was bloated like a puffer fish. The doctor prescribed heavy dosages of steroids so my palms were real hairy and it was like that episode of California Dreams where the pretty blonde is on the juice so she can win the swim meet and she's real angry and punching lockers. That was me on Valentine's Day. By the time Valentine's Day rolled around I had deflated slightly, but was hardly a vision of beauty. Despite my pufferfish status the boy stole me out of my dorm room that sunny unseasonably warm Valentine's Day and took me to another time zone where we saw Ultimate Fakebook, who I still have enormous love for (UFB, I mean). At the time I didn't think it was creepy that someone I'd only been dating for 3 or so months should put me in his car and not tell me where we were going for 5 hours, I was really excited that someone wasn't scared of my bloated hivey steroid-rage man face. ANWAYS. One of my favorite rock t-shirts was acquired at this show- Youth Large, Black with Silver Print in the scribbly UFB writing and a drawing of their drum kit. I lost this shirt in an unfortunate laundry mishap in mid-2003 where most, if not all, of my dark & black t-shirts were lost. Sigh, I still miss that t-shirt. Eventually, I did get over the hives and I became one of Major League Baseball's best hitters until Jose Canseco wrote an exposé about steroid use in the MLB and then I was forced into retirement.

3. Hot Hot Heat & We Are Scientists, 24th Birthday, Lupo's, Providence RI
I got wasted on Jagermesiter and Red Bull, made friends with half the kids outside the venue, found out the true identity of that mysterious bizarro Bert McCracken running around Providence, and all before the show started. Hot Hot Heat put on a great show and I would see them again- Lupo's is a fantastic venue too, what with their cages for romping in and all. They may not be the cutest boys in rock and roll, but they are so Canadian it will make your face hurt. Also, I didn't get to see nearly enough of We Are Scientists at this show. More We Are Scientists, I say.

4. Reggie & the Full Effect, St. Patrick's Day, Webster, Hartford CT
This venue sucks because they quarantine the 21+ crowd to the side of the bar that can't see the stage very well, BUT I love my James Dewees for his insane genius. Law & Order: SVU: Of course its the best one because we all love to watch shows about kids getting raped. Covers of Journey, mime shows + R.Kelly, and when your fake band opens for your other fake band- if that's not genius, its at least good business.

5. The Flaming Lips & The White Stripes, New Year's Eve, Aragon, Chicago
We passed a bottle of Jack Daniels around our circle while waiting outside in the Freezing Windy Chicago cold and the show was amazing. At midnight, The Flaming Lips & The White Stripes played a few songs together, including "I Can Tell That We Are Gonna Be Friends" and there was chocolate sauce involved- lots of chocolate sauce. No one should ever live their lives without having seen The Flaming Lips live at least once. Sorry dudes, no pictures of Jack & Meg for this one.

Honorable Mentions:
The Dresden Dolls, Halloween, Pearl Street, Northampton MA
Motion City Soundtrack, I've seen them so many times surely one of those shows must have fallen on a holiday, somewhere in Middle America Ok Go!, Halloween-ish, The Century Lounge, Providence RI
Reel Big Fish, 19th & 23rd Birthdays, Chicago & Northampton MA respectively
Donovan, 4th of July, Mahaiwe, Great Barrington MA

I should rename this the Devo blog.

Sidenote before we get started: I hate the word blog in the way Adam hates fuzzy peaches (no, that's not a euphemism.). Great, okay, now that we have that out of the way...

I went away from computers for a bit to join a bike gang. Now I am back having seen the rough road and Peter Fonda get his face shot off by a hick. Man, those were some good times...

On what I would do with Connecticut:
I overheard a woman who half jokingly remarked, "Connecticut should have annexed Rhode Island so we could have more beaches." What I did not say, but probably should have said: "If Rhode Island were smart, they would annex Connecticut, blow it up, and build a bridge to New York." If there is not an I hate Connecticut blog out there yet, I'm going to start one. Worst.state.ever.

Triple-threat, cage match, who wins:
Mark Mothersbaugh v. Ric Ocasek v. David Byrne?

If I stop moving, I'll die.
Tomorrow night, its me and my boyfriend (and recent divorceé), James Dewees, rockin Hartford. For those of you who have not heard me blather on about him before (I don't know who hasn't), he is the former drummer of Coalesce and the former keyboard player for The Get Up Kids and he is also the mastermind behind Reggie and the Full Effect and it's many and varied metabands. He is this man (in Eurotrash boyband Fluxuation form):

He is one of few people who have legs pastier white than my own. Honestly, can't you see why I am entirely smitten with him?

And then after I have been thoroughly rocked on Saint Patrick's Day (I am not Irish- don't pinch me, don't kiss me, don't expect me to wear green or eat your green eggs & ham, I do not like them in a box or with a fox, I do not like green eggs & ham, I do not like them Sam I Am.), I am off to the New York. Because I want to. Because I can. Because I need more NY rage and Neofuturism in my life.

Severed Limb Preservation Tips, Courtesy of my desk calendar:

1. Gently wash the severed item with water. Wrap it in a moist clean cloth.

2. Wrap it once more in a watertight material (such as a plastic bag).

3. Keep it cold, but DO NOT FREEZE. A limb saved in this manner can remain viable for reattachment for up to six hours.

See! My internet journal is here to help you when you are in distress! Uplift your soul! Distract you from your work!

Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly. -Langston Hughes (vomit)

Without even trying, I am now a costume designer. This is most amazing, since my mum is of the impression that I am incapable of dressing myself in a matching fashion. Hey mum, have you seen that lady who designed the costumes for Sex & The City? That lady couldn't dress either:

Well, at least her hair matches her one shouldered hoochie-mama number.

Right, costume designing. I'm designing the costumes for Jeffrey's play and now am assisting the gentlemen of Yucky Octopus put together some Eurotrashy fashion goodness for their fashion/show on 21 April, in the year of our Lord, 2006, which is also the night of Mr. Mark Schwaber's record release party. Don't wait until April 21st to buy Mark's new CD, The Killing Card. Buy it now, buy it often. Do it. And not just because Mark is incredibly nice and extremely talented. Do it because you love yourself enough to listen to good music.

Right. So my new life goal is to design costumes for a high school musical production. You know, 42nd Street or Anything Goes or Grease or anything that's not Fiddler on the Roof because that is the most depressing musical of all time (even more than Once on this Island performed by a cast of severely Caucasian suburbanites). Lighten up, Russian Jews! I hear life gets a little brighter after the Holocaust. Oh...

Happy thoughts. I want to spend hours over a sewing machine endlessly sewing gold lamé skirts for chorus kicklines and spray painting tap shoes glittery silver. I want to be lost in a sea of black tulle netting and red sequiny ribbons. I want to watch as teenage boys fumble through dance steps while wearing a tuxedo I found at the thrift store. Oh to be a high school musical Costume Designer! What joy! What sheer delight!

If you think I am joking about this, you should not read my internet journal anymore because I am always very very very very very very very serious about everything always.

Ahhhhhhh.

Last night, I bought this lady a Red Stripe beer. (Oh my oh my she's soso pretty!) We talked about The Promise Ring, the Fireside Bowl, what synth she plays andandand I swear to you, she's my girl-soulmate. Forget that her boyfriend is in the band. I'll take him as part of the package deal.

Riddle me this, Batman: why do the kids stay the same age at shows, but I keep getting older? And feel like I am a mean old coot sitting at the bar brooding over my vodka tonic? And why did all the other bands last night sound like crappy bands I didn't really like when I was 19?

Isn't the Junior Varsity the same as being on "The B Squad"?

Actual interaction which occured between me and the keyboard player for The Headling Band:

(I'm glancing at the merch table.)

KP: Hey! This is the shit right here!

Me: Oh, yeah? You guys are from Bloomington Normal right?

KP: Yeah! How'd you know?

Me: I'm from Rockford, so I have friends who have seen you before. Did you guys go to ISU?

KP: Yeah, 3 of us did and 2 of us didn't. 3 of us lived on campus, but 2 of us didn't. 2 of us went for 2 years and the other one went for 3 years. Then we dropped out because we signed to Victory.

Me: Ohhhhhh...so do you guys still live in Bloomington Normal then?

KP: Well, we live with our parents now, you know.

Me: Huh. I gotta go.

First of all, the guitarist's girlfriend was kidnapped and brutally murdered last fall. I feel bad for the guys, cause that's some seriously effed up trauma to go through. So I avoided that subject cause its impolite to talk about someone's dead girlfriend. "Hey, so your dead girlfriend, eh?" Epitome of awkward silence, right there. Second of all, the sticker on their CD says, "For fans of Death Cab for Cutie and Coldplay" and I'm trying not to laugh at the notion that I am going to like a musical mutation of Ben Gibbard and that guy that's married to Gwenyth Paltrow. It should also be noted that this band does not sound at all like Death Cab for Cutie OR Coldplay. Basically what I'm getting at is that this kid in The Headlining Band almost ruined my thing for keyboard players- until the previously mentioned girl keyboard player and lead singer from Opening Band saved the day. Saves By The Day? I love that band!

The Emo Swoop

My sister cut my hair back at Christmas when I was home and she asked me how I parted my hair. I swished my hand around and said, "You know, over here-ish...with an emo swoop!" My sister the hair cutting fashionista, looked at me like I was crazy, which is very likely to be true. However, I've been sporting the swoop for almost five years now and its one of the few "styles" I've seen sported on many people- both guys and gals. I'm going to come right out and just say that generally, I cannot emotionally support a guy with The Swoop. The Swoop on a guy gives me the impression that they are trying to look more like: A) a little boy (Harry Potter?) and B) girly. Why would I want to hang out with a guy who is actively attempting to appear as a fictional wizard boy and a girly boy? Also, nothing makes me giggle and roll my eyes more than some kid in a brown track suit jacket effeminately brushing and matting down The Swoop out of his eyes. CUT YOUR HAIR, YOU DAMN HIPPY. That's what I say to you, boys your Swoop.

Tim Gunn, I hardly knew ye.

Also, I'd like to send a big cockpunch to Yahoo for ruining the ending of Project Runway for me. I have not seen the finale yet, but on the main page in the headlines is _____ named winner of Project Runway. I'm buying stock in Google, who would never ruin Project Runway for me like those yokels at Yahoo did. Fuckers.

Non-coherent ramblings of an otherwise desheveled girl.

Please think of the bunny.














This project is about observing life in Iraq from Iraqi citizens with cameras. I'm not making any grand political statements with this, I just haven't seen anything that shows this mess from a perspective which is not skewed.

I am simulatenously mourning the end of Project Runway and celebrating the start of America's Next Top Model tonight. Guilty, guilty television pleasures. If I were to cancel our cable tv, I would be productive times one thousand.

Tomorrow, I am teaching a real college marketing class. Just call me Professor Jen! I just don't want to be an incredible bore to my liberal arty students. I want it to be just like that Van Halen video, Hot for Teacher.....errrrrr....or not. But if David Lee Roth wants to tread on my classroom territory, he's going to have to do his homework just like everyone else, mister.

Disney has put together a group of tweens to make this band:

My initial reaction was anger! But this is a Mark Mothersbaugh sanctioned and approved group. Mothersbaugh and Gerald whatshisface are helping these kids directing videos and such. So would this be considered the devolution of Devo? Devolution of a band about devolution = metaband? I mean, Devo was about human devolving as a result of corporate culture. Does this make your head swirl? Also, Disney's marketing machine kills me. Clearly, these kids aren't even old enough to know who Devo is, but keyboardist Nicole says, "My mom and dad said they were listening to Devo when they were in high school and college, and my mom said she had this eight-track player thing and it had a bunch of Devo songs on it...I'm honored to be the new Mark Mothersbaugh," said Nicole. Sure, Nicole, you little lying 12 year old.

Broken/hearted.

Out of comission indefinitely.




My head is far from clear, my heart is far from whole.




I will return.