"Here is what I know about Harry Potter: nothing.
I haven't read any of the books about him, nor have I seen any of the movies. I know the novels were written by a rich middle-aged British woman named J.K Rowling with semi-lush hair, but I have no idea what the letters J and K represent. I don't know the name of the actor who portrays Harry Potter, although I think he has eyeglasses. I don't know the names of any minor characters and I don't know the narrative arc of the plot. I don't know where the stories take place or if they are set in the past or the future. Somebody at a steakhouse recently told me that Harry Potter doesn't die at the conclusion of the seventh book (and that this detail was important), but I wasn't even aware he was sick. I assume there are dragons and griffins and werewolves and homosexual Frankensteins throughout these novels, but I honestly don't give a shit if my assumption is true or false. In fact, if somebody told me that the final Harry Potter novel was a coded interpretation of the Koran that instructed its readers how to read my thoughts, I could only respond by saying, "Well, maybe so." For whatever reason, this is one phenomenon that I have missed completely (and mostly, I suppose, on purpose).
Now, do not take this to mean that I dislike these books. I do not ... in fact, I suspect they're quite good. Moreover, I find it astounding that the unifying cultural currency for modern teenagers are five-hundred page literary works about a wizard. We are all collectively underestimating how unusual this is ... [but] I have no interest in any of it."
-from "Death by Harry Potter," by Chuck Klosterman, Esquire, November 2007
He's right, you know. We're all underestimating how truly unusual it is that 700 page books have unified a global culture.
Showing posts with label Harry Potter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Harry Potter. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Crisitunity.
Episode: "Fear Of Flying" (12/18/94)
Context: Homer's response when Lisa informs him that the Chinese use "the same word for 'crisis' as they do for 'opportunity.'"
Real-life uses: As an irrationally exuberant response to any impending crummy situation.
And now....a story for you:
On Friday, I was on my way out the door to meet Adam at the movies. We were going to see the Simpsons, appropriately enough, which was hilarious and I would give it eight thumbs up. Alternately, on a scale of dinosaurs, I would rate it a pterodactyl. Before leaving my house, I poured myself and Adam each our own travel mug of Bison Grass vodka with apple juice and a sprinkle of cinnamon.
Now you might be saying to yourself, "Jen, isn't that what alcoholics do- carry their drinks around with them? I've seen this on Lifetime movies and very special episodes of sitcoms before." And to you I say, "Yes, some alcoholics do carry their flasks of alcohol with them. Some people who just like to drink do that." Especially ones who don't drive. And c'mon, they don't sell beer at the movies. And if they did, it would be a beer-like liquid and overpriced.
It was raining Friday, so I had an umbrella in addition to my two travel mugs: my new 75th Anniversary Jacob's Pillow mug and the mug I purchased during the "rest stop" portion of my amazing bus trip to DC a few weeks ago.
Its like this, except mine is plastic and has a lid for traveling (in)conveinence.
I'm holding the umbrella over my head with one hand and have a travel mug in my other hand. But where to put the second travel mug? Well, like all of the ladies here in New York and Hollywood starlets, I have a bag that could fit a unicorn or a dwarf-sized hobo inside. I have a lot of important junk I have to carry around with me: Blackberry, three kinds of lip goo (including the aforementioned American Girl Mango Tango), two pens, one Sharpie (for drunken fun), cigarette case (incidentally which, does not hold cigarettes but my id, Metrocard, and college id in cases of "with valid student ID"), the latest book I'm reading (Them by Francine du Plessix Gray), digital camera, iPod, a recent crumpled fortune I got from Chinese takeout (You will inherit a gold mine in Africa. [What?]), and hand sanitizer, of course. I needed an extra place to put this mug and I take assesment of my bag and think, "I can wedge this mug in the end if I arrange everything right. The lid is secure." And so I follow this plan of action.
And let me tell you: I made it approximately 4 steps before spilling half that mug of vodka all over myself and the entire contents of my bag, including my Blackberry.
Beloved Blackberry, giver of emails, schedules, and internet access, flickered and faded into its death about 10 hours later.
RIP, Blackberry 8700. November 2006 - August 2007.
To confirm that Blackberry was really dead, I went to the AT&T, formerly Cingular store, in Union Square. The helpful man looked at it and said, "Did it get wet?" To which I responded, "Well, I mean, it was raining last night. Actually, it drowned in vodka. [sad, shameful face]" He confirmed there was little hope for rescue, so it was then that I had to consider my options and quickly realized, BUY A NEW PHONE, because I'm not Hermione Granger and I can't conjure cell phones. Furthermore, if I WAS Hermione Granger, I wouldn't need a cell phone, I could just send my Patronus all over the land to send my messages.
Miss Granger, if you're nasty.
Truthfully, I really loved the idea of the Blackberry, but it felt too adult- too business suit- too much guy with shooter fingers.
Put a shirt on!
I took this CRISITUNITY! and realized that if I had to buy a new cell phone, I should go with something that was ME. I wanted less Blackberry, more phone. I wanted less business suit, more I'm creative person. But what phone could possibly fulfill all of my hopes, dreams, and desires without leaving me feeling dirty in the morning?
That's how I ended up with an iPhone. And also how I became Tom Cruise in Minority Report.
Its definitely the touch screen. Or the fact that I call it "my iPod Phone" like my granny would. Or its tiny size. Or its ability to summon unicorns. Or how it says, "I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do," like HAL 9000. Actually, that last part is a little weird, but hey! Its the future and we're all going to start using hoverboards and drive flying cars soon!
Except me. I don't drive. But I'll get my iPhone to drive for me.
Context: Homer's response when Lisa informs him that the Chinese use "the same word for 'crisis' as they do for 'opportunity.'"
Real-life uses: As an irrationally exuberant response to any impending crummy situation.
And now....a story for you:
On Friday, I was on my way out the door to meet Adam at the movies. We were going to see the Simpsons, appropriately enough, which was hilarious and I would give it eight thumbs up. Alternately, on a scale of dinosaurs, I would rate it a pterodactyl. Before leaving my house, I poured myself and Adam each our own travel mug of Bison Grass vodka with apple juice and a sprinkle of cinnamon.
Now you might be saying to yourself, "Jen, isn't that what alcoholics do- carry their drinks around with them? I've seen this on Lifetime movies and very special episodes of sitcoms before." And to you I say, "Yes, some alcoholics do carry their flasks of alcohol with them. Some people who just like to drink do that." Especially ones who don't drive. And c'mon, they don't sell beer at the movies. And if they did, it would be a beer-like liquid and overpriced.
It was raining Friday, so I had an umbrella in addition to my two travel mugs: my new 75th Anniversary Jacob's Pillow mug and the mug I purchased during the "rest stop" portion of my amazing bus trip to DC a few weeks ago.
Its like this, except mine is plastic and has a lid for traveling (in)conveinence.
I'm holding the umbrella over my head with one hand and have a travel mug in my other hand. But where to put the second travel mug? Well, like all of the ladies here in New York and Hollywood starlets, I have a bag that could fit a unicorn or a dwarf-sized hobo inside. I have a lot of important junk I have to carry around with me: Blackberry, three kinds of lip goo (including the aforementioned American Girl Mango Tango), two pens, one Sharpie (for drunken fun), cigarette case (incidentally which, does not hold cigarettes but my id, Metrocard, and college id in cases of "with valid student ID"), the latest book I'm reading (Them by Francine du Plessix Gray), digital camera, iPod, a recent crumpled fortune I got from Chinese takeout (You will inherit a gold mine in Africa. [What?]), and hand sanitizer, of course. I needed an extra place to put this mug and I take assesment of my bag and think, "I can wedge this mug in the end if I arrange everything right. The lid is secure." And so I follow this plan of action.
And let me tell you: I made it approximately 4 steps before spilling half that mug of vodka all over myself and the entire contents of my bag, including my Blackberry.
Beloved Blackberry, giver of emails, schedules, and internet access, flickered and faded into its death about 10 hours later.
RIP, Blackberry 8700. November 2006 - August 2007.
To confirm that Blackberry was really dead, I went to the AT&T, formerly Cingular store, in Union Square. The helpful man looked at it and said, "Did it get wet?" To which I responded, "Well, I mean, it was raining last night. Actually, it drowned in vodka. [sad, shameful face]" He confirmed there was little hope for rescue, so it was then that I had to consider my options and quickly realized, BUY A NEW PHONE, because I'm not Hermione Granger and I can't conjure cell phones. Furthermore, if I WAS Hermione Granger, I wouldn't need a cell phone, I could just send my Patronus all over the land to send my messages.
Miss Granger, if you're nasty.
Truthfully, I really loved the idea of the Blackberry, but it felt too adult- too business suit- too much guy with shooter fingers.
Put a shirt on!
I took this CRISITUNITY! and realized that if I had to buy a new cell phone, I should go with something that was ME. I wanted less Blackberry, more phone. I wanted less business suit, more I'm creative person. But what phone could possibly fulfill all of my hopes, dreams, and desires without leaving me feeling dirty in the morning?
That's how I ended up with an iPhone. And also how I became Tom Cruise in Minority Report.
Its definitely the touch screen. Or the fact that I call it "my iPod Phone" like my granny would. Or its tiny size. Or its ability to summon unicorns. Or how it says, "I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do," like HAL 9000. Actually, that last part is a little weird, but hey! Its the future and we're all going to start using hoverboards and drive flying cars soon!
Except me. I don't drive. But I'll get my iPhone to drive for me.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Who likes SPOILERS?
Don't listen to this song if you haven't finished reading Harry Potter or if you hate funny things:
http://www.nyneofuturists.org/podcast/spoiler-alert.mp3
http://www.nyneofuturists.org/podcast/spoiler-alert.mp3
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
OFFICIAL NOTICE
Dear Internet,
I'm avoiding you this week until after I've finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I refuse to let some jerk in internetland spoil the ending for me.
And tell your friends television and newspaper that I'll see them next week too.
Broomsticks and veritiserums,
Ms. Jenny Marvel
I'm avoiding you this week until after I've finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I refuse to let some jerk in internetland spoil the ending for me.
And tell your friends television and newspaper that I'll see them next week too.
Broomsticks and veritiserums,
Ms. Jenny Marvel
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Harry Potter and the Spoiler of Doom!
 | My Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom is: Remus Lupin gets pregnant by Dobby the House Elf in Diagon Alley Get your Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom |
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